Knosuj Place Primary despaired by defeat.

Originally published 10 November 2008

The children at Knosuj Place Primary school had a mix of emotions this Monday morning, as school was let out early to watch the young primary school football team take on the Red Devils of Manchester United.

"We wanted a win to restore confidence after being battered by Celtic and Arsenal. We couldn't go to QPR on a losing streak. " manager Fergusson told our paper.

Sir Alex was later escorted off the property after refusing to abide by the school policy of no chewing gum allowed on school property.

Sir Alex wasn't the only person annoyed with the authorities at the school. Ronaldo was dismissed after 35 minutes for simulation. "It wasn't simulation, " declared Ronaldo, "those kids broke my legs 7 times during my 35 minutes on field. " Ronaldo left the school in a police car after being found winking inappropriately at children after the game. Bond is set at £500,000, or about half-a days wage for Ronaldo.

Still, it wasn't all bad news for United, they did win handsomely through a dozen goals from pretty-boy Carlos Tevez.

"It's a monster, " screamed the terrorised children whenever Tevez charged at them- opening up space in the school-team's defences.

Even Neville had a decent game winning about a third of the challenges made against him. The game started poorly after Wes Brown opened the scoring with an own-goal, but it quickly turned once United learnt that if they kicked the ball at the top of the net the keeper was too short to reach it.

Still, despite losing by 19 goals, the children of Knosuj Place Primary school will take from this experience a sense of wonder.

"We learnt about pumpkins for halloween but I'd never seen a real one before, " little Timmy remarked about United's defensive player Wes Brown.

"I learnt to accept people no matter how fat they are, " Roger Ledog declared, "Rooney showed me, you're never too big to play football."


United move on next to play QPR mid-week, but they will be without Berbatov who had been accidentally left behind, mistook for a sulking child.