Biography: Peter Niss

Originally Posted May 5th, 2010

Swiss super striker, Peter Niss, started his professional career as an unused member of Young Boys. His career started poorly and a limp left him unlikely to see action. He quickly learned dribbling skills that would become an essential part of his repetoire over the years. After a few spills, Niss, started to learn control and would leak less to the opposition.

His efforts and growth were finally noticed by Peruvian minnows Deportivo Wanka in 1974 and he finally began to get some much needed match practice. As a Wanka, P. Niss grew and learned shooting skills. He was described by some pundits as a frustrating striker with little experience but a lot of potential. Often called out for hand ball, Niss began to grow disillusioned with life as a Wanka and wanted to broarden his experiences.

In the early years he was criticised for being impuslive and too quick to jump up- he would frequently be left embarrased and standing long after a chance at play had moved on. Privately his life was a mess; he was often stiff and massaging brought little relief.

Seven years after first joining the Wanka ranks, Niss's first major breakthrough was entering Chelsea in 1981. He didn't spend long there and was quickly ejected from starting; but he had at long last tasted an opening. His last experience with Chelsea came with him seeing red; disgusted he walked off, never to play on Chelsea's field again.

Joining Arsenal the next summer he gained more usefull experience but he never heard the "Up the Arse' chants" directed at him, his efforts there were unwelcomed. Peter Niss entered a stage of a dwindling number of admirers and he entered a barren stretch of little play. He returned to Wanka on loan that season, something he would do many times during his career. In later years he would say, no matter where he was playing, he was still a Wanka at heart and would always be a Wanka. Touching words from the tall ball player.

Fearing he was no longer able to mix it with English elite, he wantered from team to team, gaining experience. He was crippled by disease over the years. At one point he feared his career had reached a premature end after feeling a painfull burning sensation whilst he dribbled. He considered retiring early from sport, and, for a while caught crabs at a coastal French town.

He recovered, and finally found his home with Juventes. Juventes, known as the old lady, welcomed him and he would spend many years banging it in for her. As his experience and fame rose, he would play in many positions- bringing a pulsating energy to the team. Many suitors would call, but Peter Niss remained loyal to the old lady and refused to play for the other team.

It was only a matter of time before the old lady swelled from the seeds of Peter Niss's efforts. With the swelling of the old lady's the Juventes family grew; Niss found himself unneeded and sitting alone on the bench many nights. He would enter another barren patch- and before long one would often hear cries at the San Siro- Niss was accredited to this.

Unfortunately, there would be no further swelling of Juventes, the link up of balls to Niss were cut and he was left feeling somewhat less of a man. His advances often led to nothing.

As with all careers, an inevitable decline stepped in. He became unable to play in the centre, often found veering off to one side. Although his stamina would stay with him for many years, his shots became weaker and less forcefull over time. His plays carried less of a punch. Alcoholism was a major downfall. After partaking of the bottle he would spill passes. Pundits began to refer to him as "beyond pants". He found himself no longer able to perform on demand.

Efforts to extend his career led him to taking drugs to keep up. Unfortunately he became dependant on drugs; pretty soon he found he could only score if he had taken a pill.

Finally, one day after standing for more than four hours he died, flopped over on the field of play, never to rise again. Resussitation by mouth was tried, but even this failed.

His legend lives on though. May the world may never forget the glory of Peter Niss; sport has been enriched by his pursuits