Arsenal fans this morning are dismayed to hear they may be losing Arshavin due to legal difficulties. Newcastle claim full legal ownership of Arshavin due to copyright laws.
In the late 1990's, Newcastle United geneticist, Jeanne Splicing, began a series of genetic tests, ultimately combining the DNA of Alan Shearer and Nicky Butt. Arshavin, the product of a Butt-Shearer genetic manipulation, was put into an advanced growth chamber to fast-forward his development. The prodigy was lost, after Mr. Splicing refused to ask for directions to Tesco and the couple ended up in Russia.
According to British law, Newcastle are thus legal owners of Arshavin.
Newcastle are also currently pursuing ownership rights to the tune "silent night" after it was revealed the tune was co-written by Leon Best and Andy Carroll. The Best-Carroll tune is also thought to be Newcastle intellectual property; if such a thing exists.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Passive Drinking
Originally Posted sometime in 2008
Researchers at Knosuj Place University have discovered alcohol can be absorbed into the blood stream, not only by the drinker, but by innocent parties in close proximity. This effect is called "Passive Drinking" and should not be confused with "second-hand drinking," an event associated with Max Mosely dungeon-parties.
Scottish Whisky is reportedly the worst alcohol for being passed on in passive drinking Vigorous gum chewing increases the risk for causing spectators to get passive drinking symptons. Dizzyness and inability to stand on ones feet, throwing oneself to the ground and writing in agony are amongst the more common symptoms of a passive drinker.
Others symptoms include irratability, visual cues such as placing ones hands on ones hips and pouting may be displayed. People suffering from Passive Drinking may show behavioural problems such as refusing to bathe, the desire to rub marmite through ones hair- resulting in an excessively greasy look; greed, inflated-ego and inability to take penalty kicks well are other potential symptoms.
There is good news though. Researchers don't understand why, but eating Spanish foods can help reverse or stop the effects from Passive Drinking. It is recommended that anyone afflicted with this condition move to Spain immediately, preferably Madrid.
Researchers cite that moving to Spain may not cure physical disfigurements from Passive Drinking. If you look like a horse, chances are you'll still look like a horse after moving to Spain.
Researchers at Knosuj Place University have discovered alcohol can be absorbed into the blood stream, not only by the drinker, but by innocent parties in close proximity. This effect is called "Passive Drinking" and should not be confused with "second-hand drinking," an event associated with Max Mosely dungeon-parties.
Scottish Whisky is reportedly the worst alcohol for being passed on in passive drinking Vigorous gum chewing increases the risk for causing spectators to get passive drinking symptons. Dizzyness and inability to stand on ones feet, throwing oneself to the ground and writing in agony are amongst the more common symptoms of a passive drinker.
Others symptoms include irratability, visual cues such as placing ones hands on ones hips and pouting may be displayed. People suffering from Passive Drinking may show behavioural problems such as refusing to bathe, the desire to rub marmite through ones hair- resulting in an excessively greasy look; greed, inflated-ego and inability to take penalty kicks well are other potential symptoms.
There is good news though. Researchers don't understand why, but eating Spanish foods can help reverse or stop the effects from Passive Drinking. It is recommended that anyone afflicted with this condition move to Spain immediately, preferably Madrid.
Researchers cite that moving to Spain may not cure physical disfigurements from Passive Drinking. If you look like a horse, chances are you'll still look like a horse after moving to Spain.
Everton in new Ground-Share link
Originally Posted sometime in 2008
Liverpool council have announced they have given Liverpool Football Club approval to start thinking about one day starting work on the stadium.
"This gives us options for sure" Rafa announced when asked about his opinion on the topic.
The new vote of confidence from the council improves the prior council approval back in February. Under the early approval Liverpool had been approved, to request approval, to think about one day getting approval to build a new stadium.
Back in February when Rafa was greeted with this news he publicly announced "This gives us options for sure."
Along with the approval is pre-approval for Liverpool Football Club to have a 999 year lease on the land in Stanley Park. Gary Speed's retirement is expected to coincide with when the lease expires.
Plans for a ground-share with Everton are continued to be denied. Early plans had considered giving each club a trophy room on either side of the field; however, surveyours rubbished these plans as they said the field would start to slope towards the Liverpool end due to extra weight.
Everton had countered suggesting a life-size/weight statute of former Everton striker, Wayne Rooney, being placed in the Everton trophy room to balance the weight distribution.
We asked Everton manager David Moyes his opinion and he commented "this gives us options for sure".
Later we discovered that we had been duped into a fake interview with Moyes by Rafa Benitez in a halloween mask and a wig made of ginger fibres.
Liverpool council have announced they have given Liverpool Football Club approval to start thinking about one day starting work on the stadium.
"This gives us options for sure" Rafa announced when asked about his opinion on the topic.
The new vote of confidence from the council improves the prior council approval back in February. Under the early approval Liverpool had been approved, to request approval, to think about one day getting approval to build a new stadium.
Back in February when Rafa was greeted with this news he publicly announced "This gives us options for sure."
Along with the approval is pre-approval for Liverpool Football Club to have a 999 year lease on the land in Stanley Park. Gary Speed's retirement is expected to coincide with when the lease expires.
Plans for a ground-share with Everton are continued to be denied. Early plans had considered giving each club a trophy room on either side of the field; however, surveyours rubbished these plans as they said the field would start to slope towards the Liverpool end due to extra weight.
Everton had countered suggesting a life-size/weight statute of former Everton striker, Wayne Rooney, being placed in the Everton trophy room to balance the weight distribution.
We asked Everton manager David Moyes his opinion and he commented "this gives us options for sure".
Later we discovered that we had been duped into a fake interview with Moyes by Rafa Benitez in a halloween mask and a wig made of ginger fibres.
Marvel Unveil New Comic Book Hero
Originally Posted sometime in 2008
Marvel are set to announce a new Comic book hero based on the Manchester United franchise later this week; United Man.
Following the long time tradition of hero's who emerge from the position of being an underdog, so shall United Man. United Man will continuously battle against the evil Scouser army with his trusted side-kick Dwayne Rooney.
The saga starts with Wes Tan (United Man) and Dwayne Rooney, two 55 year old corporate executives living in Surrey planning a trip to Old Trafford. Wes and Dwayne, United fans all their lives, (since 1992), attend their first game ever during the 2007/2008 season. At the game, Wes notices that one of the prawns in his sandwich is still alive. The prawn bites Wes and he passes out.
When Wes awakes he finds he has all sorts of strange new powers. He can projectile vomit cocktail sauce and has the ability to turn any object into plastic. He vows he will use his new powers to fight the evil Liverpudlians and buy every commemorative DVD United release-
In short, Wes Tan becomes... UNITED MAN! - hitting comic book stores everywhere in late July. Reserve your copy today and receive free season tickets for Everton games.
Marvel are set to announce a new Comic book hero based on the Manchester United franchise later this week; United Man.
Following the long time tradition of hero's who emerge from the position of being an underdog, so shall United Man. United Man will continuously battle against the evil Scouser army with his trusted side-kick Dwayne Rooney.
The saga starts with Wes Tan (United Man) and Dwayne Rooney, two 55 year old corporate executives living in Surrey planning a trip to Old Trafford. Wes and Dwayne, United fans all their lives, (since 1992), attend their first game ever during the 2007/2008 season. At the game, Wes notices that one of the prawns in his sandwich is still alive. The prawn bites Wes and he passes out.
When Wes awakes he finds he has all sorts of strange new powers. He can projectile vomit cocktail sauce and has the ability to turn any object into plastic. He vows he will use his new powers to fight the evil Liverpudlians and buy every commemorative DVD United release-
In short, Wes Tan becomes... UNITED MAN! - hitting comic book stores everywhere in late July. Reserve your copy today and receive free season tickets for Everton games.
God to sue Satan
Originally Posted sometime in 2008
According to the Purgatory Herald, God has asked FIBA1 to investigate Satan for allegedly tapping up Jesus. God claims that Satan approached Jesus in the desert without his consent and tried to tempt him away from Team Heaven with various temptations. He is presenting the publicly released new testament as evidence.
St. Peter, acting as God's Public Relations manager, commented to the press "as far as we're concerned, Jesus is still part of Team Heaven and is under contract for all of eternity. We would rather the Messiah sit out in Purgatory than go to team Hell."
Satan's own Public Relations manager, Tony Blair, is reported to have quipped "... just like God- once again he is acting like he thinks he is Sir Alex Ferguson. "
Robbie Fowler was unavailable for comment.
1 FIBA (Federation of Intercomsic Biblical Associates)
According to the Purgatory Herald, God has asked FIBA1 to investigate Satan for allegedly tapping up Jesus. God claims that Satan approached Jesus in the desert without his consent and tried to tempt him away from Team Heaven with various temptations. He is presenting the publicly released new testament as evidence.
St. Peter, acting as God's Public Relations manager, commented to the press "as far as we're concerned, Jesus is still part of Team Heaven and is under contract for all of eternity. We would rather the Messiah sit out in Purgatory than go to team Hell."
Satan's own Public Relations manager, Tony Blair, is reported to have quipped "... just like God- once again he is acting like he thinks he is Sir Alex Ferguson. "
Robbie Fowler was unavailable for comment.
1 FIBA (Federation of Intercomsic Biblical Associates)
Martin O'Neil Arrested in Blood brawl
Originally Posted sometime in 2008
According to the Knosuj Place Times, Martin O'Neill was detained by Birmingham police following a brawl at a local Red Cross blood-drive station.
After being seated and agreeing to give blood Mr. O'Neill demanded £8 million for his blood, about £8 million more than it's true valuation. When technician, Ivor Leech, refused, O'Neill struck him and started complaining about the Red Cross advertising their need for blood in public rather than asking him in private.
Blood drive technician, Ivor Leech, explained his story to our paper in an exclusive. "We had already agreed he was going to give blood and we were going to give him this nice Red Cross t-shirt in exchange; then he got all nasty, started calling our t-shirts worthless, he realised we really wanted his blood and started demanding rediculous sums of money."
Martin O'Neill is also pressing charges against the Red Cross after accusing them of tapping his blood behind his back whilst he was waiting.
According to the Knosuj Place Times, Martin O'Neill was detained by Birmingham police following a brawl at a local Red Cross blood-drive station.
After being seated and agreeing to give blood Mr. O'Neill demanded £8 million for his blood, about £8 million more than it's true valuation. When technician, Ivor Leech, refused, O'Neill struck him and started complaining about the Red Cross advertising their need for blood in public rather than asking him in private.
Blood drive technician, Ivor Leech, explained his story to our paper in an exclusive. "We had already agreed he was going to give blood and we were going to give him this nice Red Cross t-shirt in exchange; then he got all nasty, started calling our t-shirts worthless, he realised we really wanted his blood and started demanding rediculous sums of money."
Martin O'Neill is also pressing charges against the Red Cross after accusing them of tapping his blood behind his back whilst he was waiting.
Knosuj Place exclusive interview with Jose Mourinho
Posted sometime in 2008
It is widely reported in the media today that Jose Mourinho would no longer like to be known as the Special One. We sat down with the great man to ask him to explain.
KPT: So Jose, we are to understand you want to be known as a great coach instead of the Special One now? Can you elaborate?
JM: Thank you, yes, there is a lot of confusion... I am still very special, for sure... but some people made fun and used the wrong definition of special.
I was called arrogant and obnoxious... when the truth is, I'm not, I'm too good to be arrogant
KPT: So, is there any other title you would prefer?
JM: Picking out titles is so tough... people think of names like Spiderman, Superman and the thing and they see something tough... I'd like to call myself Superman, but I don't look good in tights... I tried and my legs look all lumpy in them.
I picked out 'Special One' and they laughed at me... all good super heros need a name- I considered 'Dog Man' but I thought dislexics might consider me comparing myself to God, and others might call me a bitch.
KPT: And you want to avoid comparisons with God?
JM: Well... I am a lot like God in many ways- both great tacticians, very creative, good at handling men, neither of us like to shave. He created the earth- I created magic out of a poor Porto team.
Actually, I guess the only differnce between me and God is that I've won the Champions League and the Premier League- so in many ways God could learn from me. But I can't call myself better than God because people would think I was being arrogant...
Perhaps I could call myself "God's equal."
KPT: So you would like us to call you God's equal from now on?
JM: No, that's too wordy and doesn't have a good flow... perhaps you should call me "Dogman" after all!
It is widely reported in the media today that Jose Mourinho would no longer like to be known as the Special One. We sat down with the great man to ask him to explain.
KPT: So Jose, we are to understand you want to be known as a great coach instead of the Special One now? Can you elaborate?
JM: Thank you, yes, there is a lot of confusion... I am still very special, for sure... but some people made fun and used the wrong definition of special.
I was called arrogant and obnoxious... when the truth is, I'm not, I'm too good to be arrogant
KPT: So, is there any other title you would prefer?
JM: Picking out titles is so tough... people think of names like Spiderman, Superman and the thing and they see something tough... I'd like to call myself Superman, but I don't look good in tights... I tried and my legs look all lumpy in them.
I picked out 'Special One' and they laughed at me... all good super heros need a name- I considered 'Dog Man' but I thought dislexics might consider me comparing myself to God, and others might call me a bitch.
KPT: And you want to avoid comparisons with God?
JM: Well... I am a lot like God in many ways- both great tacticians, very creative, good at handling men, neither of us like to shave. He created the earth- I created magic out of a poor Porto team.
Actually, I guess the only differnce between me and God is that I've won the Champions League and the Premier League- so in many ways God could learn from me. But I can't call myself better than God because people would think I was being arrogant...
Perhaps I could call myself "God's equal."
KPT: So you would like us to call you God's equal from now on?
JM: No, that's too wordy and doesn't have a good flow... perhaps you should call me "Dogman" after all!
Snose Red and the European Dwarves
Originally Posted sometime in 2008
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far far away lived a Scotsman named Snose Red. Looking for his true love, Snose wandered out into the wilds of Mancunia. It was there in Mancunia where he met up with XI delightfull dwarves of European football.
The leader of these XI dwarves, Winky, soon became Snose's favourite companion. He took him under his wing and taught him how to fall over whenever someone came near him. Winky was not the only dwarf of European football. Amongst the other dwarves were Shreky, Frankinsteiny, Oldwelshdudey, and heain'tbrownhe'sorangey.
Now, the XI dwarves of Europe always dreamed of being European giants, but they were not quite up to the task despite lots of money they couldn't quite make up the ground on their rivals. They even thought 3 was a large number of golden chalices to own.
Clearly 3 was a smaller number than 5, but this they could not see. On the other side of the kingdom lived a wicky old witch name Romaneena- Romaneena would prance around in front of a magic mirror and ask- "Mourinor Mourinor on the wall, tell me my club is the richest of them all..."- but the Mourinor on the wall just laughed and said- as much money as you've pumped into the club- the Mancunian dwarves have spent more money than you. So Romaneena smashed the Mourinor ensuring his club would not win the premiership for at least another seven years and instead of the Mourinor hung Grant up to be flogged by the media.
Next Romaneena took his club to Moscow to do battle with the XI European dwarves and handed out apples during the game, a particular cultivar known as MancAreTosh- and anyone who bit the apple would fall asleep- because we all know apples are boring to eat and so are Man Utd vs Chelsea fixtures.
Unfortunately for Romaneena, his own European dwarfy, Slippy fell over and the European dwarves from Mancunia defeated Romaneena's army. But one day, Rafastiltskin and his charming army of red will wake the world up by once again kissing the golden chalice of Europe and reclaiming their natural place as kings of Europe and chase the pretenders to the throne away. At that point we will all live happily ever after. (except for the European dwarves).
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far far away lived a Scotsman named Snose Red. Looking for his true love, Snose wandered out into the wilds of Mancunia. It was there in Mancunia where he met up with XI delightfull dwarves of European football.
The leader of these XI dwarves, Winky, soon became Snose's favourite companion. He took him under his wing and taught him how to fall over whenever someone came near him. Winky was not the only dwarf of European football. Amongst the other dwarves were Shreky, Frankinsteiny, Oldwelshdudey, and heain'tbrownhe'sorangey.
Now, the XI dwarves of Europe always dreamed of being European giants, but they were not quite up to the task despite lots of money they couldn't quite make up the ground on their rivals. They even thought 3 was a large number of golden chalices to own.
Clearly 3 was a smaller number than 5, but this they could not see. On the other side of the kingdom lived a wicky old witch name Romaneena- Romaneena would prance around in front of a magic mirror and ask- "Mourinor Mourinor on the wall, tell me my club is the richest of them all..."- but the Mourinor on the wall just laughed and said- as much money as you've pumped into the club- the Mancunian dwarves have spent more money than you. So Romaneena smashed the Mourinor ensuring his club would not win the premiership for at least another seven years and instead of the Mourinor hung Grant up to be flogged by the media.
Next Romaneena took his club to Moscow to do battle with the XI European dwarves and handed out apples during the game, a particular cultivar known as MancAreTosh- and anyone who bit the apple would fall asleep- because we all know apples are boring to eat and so are Man Utd vs Chelsea fixtures.
Unfortunately for Romaneena, his own European dwarfy, Slippy fell over and the European dwarves from Mancunia defeated Romaneena's army. But one day, Rafastiltskin and his charming army of red will wake the world up by once again kissing the golden chalice of Europe and reclaiming their natural place as kings of Europe and chase the pretenders to the throne away. At that point we will all live happily ever after. (except for the European dwarves).
Gareth Barry under lock and key
Originally Posted sometime 2008
Gareth Barry today is complaining to the FA that he has been tied to Villa Park against his will. The unlucky defender is calling out for Liverpool to come rescue him from his misery.
Barry has long felt like he can't show his best form at Villa, especially since he is now tied with an iron chain to a cinder block buried in the middle of the field.
"The worst part is when I need to pee- the chain doesn't quite reach the toilets- and Martin O'Neil has the only key to the chastity belt I am now forced to wear".
Still, Barry is picking up many supporters in his trapped condition. Gareth speaks how he has received repeated visits from FIA representative Max Mosley.
"He keeps coming and visiting me and smiles and points to my chains and mutters something in German- I think he is saying 'Spechen sie Deutsch?'"
Martin O'Neil is aware of the issues relating to Barry's short chain and is hunting the country for longer and longer links.
"Home games are no problem, but we're trying to stretch our current resources. Barry is intergral to our team, so we need a chain longer enough to reach for those away games against Newcastle."
Max Mosley is known to vehemently disagree with this statement.
Gareth Barry today is complaining to the FA that he has been tied to Villa Park against his will. The unlucky defender is calling out for Liverpool to come rescue him from his misery.
Barry has long felt like he can't show his best form at Villa, especially since he is now tied with an iron chain to a cinder block buried in the middle of the field.
"The worst part is when I need to pee- the chain doesn't quite reach the toilets- and Martin O'Neil has the only key to the chastity belt I am now forced to wear".
Still, Barry is picking up many supporters in his trapped condition. Gareth speaks how he has received repeated visits from FIA representative Max Mosley.
"He keeps coming and visiting me and smiles and points to my chains and mutters something in German- I think he is saying 'Spechen sie Deutsch?'"
Martin O'Neil is aware of the issues relating to Barry's short chain and is hunting the country for longer and longer links.
"Home games are no problem, but we're trying to stretch our current resources. Barry is intergral to our team, so we need a chain longer enough to reach for those away games against Newcastle."
Max Mosley is known to vehemently disagree with this statement.
Ferguson escapes reprimand
Originally Posted June 30th, 2008
Football spectators are once again angered by the FA's lack of desire to reprimand Sir Alex Ferguson. Millions watched this weekend as the Scottish manager pleasured himself in the dugout, slowly masticating with a silly grin on his face.
Sir Alex was quick to point out that what he places in his mouth for his pleasure is his own business and should not be regulated by football's governing body. Still many critics argue that Ferguson is not setting a good example for the children watching- masticating rapidly- watching Ronaldo dribble on the ball; he is on display to millions, standing errect, his mouth open in a rapture as he watches Wayne Rooney score.
You can even see the disgusting object in his mouth as he stands there. An unhealthy habbit that many say can lead to stomache ulsers and tooth decay.
Protesters are expected to rally against Ferguson. This Saturday before the game there is a public campaign led by concerned parents who don't wish their children to be exposed by a dirty old man showing his dirty old habbit to anyone who happens to look his way.
Football spectators are once again angered by the FA's lack of desire to reprimand Sir Alex Ferguson. Millions watched this weekend as the Scottish manager pleasured himself in the dugout, slowly masticating with a silly grin on his face.
Sir Alex was quick to point out that what he places in his mouth for his pleasure is his own business and should not be regulated by football's governing body. Still many critics argue that Ferguson is not setting a good example for the children watching- masticating rapidly- watching Ronaldo dribble on the ball; he is on display to millions, standing errect, his mouth open in a rapture as he watches Wayne Rooney score.
You can even see the disgusting object in his mouth as he stands there. An unhealthy habbit that many say can lead to stomache ulsers and tooth decay.
Protesters are expected to rally against Ferguson. This Saturday before the game there is a public campaign led by concerned parents who don't wish their children to be exposed by a dirty old man showing his dirty old habbit to anyone who happens to look his way.
Studio to remake classic film "The Snowman"
Originally Posted June 30th, 2008
The Knosuj Place film studio remake of the classic wintertime film "The Snowman" starring Didier Drogba is attracting controversy this morning.
Didier Drogba will feature as the flying snowman to the famous theme "walking in the air". Rival actor John Terry is angry at having been denied the part after being told Didier was more natural to the role. Mr. Drogba's extensive acting experience also placed him in good standing with the film studio.
Anelka, had originally been granted the part but has since changed plays he is acting in seven times. John Terry is quite bitter at losing the place to Drogba; microphones recorded him saying "It just doesn't make sense having a black snowman- and I don't mean that in a racist way... I'm just saying, snow is white- honestly I'm not racist."
Shaun Wright-Phillips is expected to be Drogba's understudy- having had plenty of experience sitting out of the lime-light watching others play. Avram Grant is expected to help in the production by keeping the set cold and emotionless so the snow won't melt. The production is being financially backed by Roman Abrahamovich who is not scared of shelling out large quantities of money for what could be another financial flop.
Drogba's "The Snowman" is not expected to win any awards and the production staff is not expected to respond to criticism nicely, but it should be in a cinema near you in time for Christmas. Studio representatives are expected to be handing out film-related flags as an incentive to potential viewers to watch the film.
The Knosuj Place film studio remake of the classic wintertime film "The Snowman" starring Didier Drogba is attracting controversy this morning.
Didier Drogba will feature as the flying snowman to the famous theme "walking in the air". Rival actor John Terry is angry at having been denied the part after being told Didier was more natural to the role. Mr. Drogba's extensive acting experience also placed him in good standing with the film studio.
Anelka, had originally been granted the part but has since changed plays he is acting in seven times. John Terry is quite bitter at losing the place to Drogba; microphones recorded him saying "It just doesn't make sense having a black snowman- and I don't mean that in a racist way... I'm just saying, snow is white- honestly I'm not racist."
Shaun Wright-Phillips is expected to be Drogba's understudy- having had plenty of experience sitting out of the lime-light watching others play. Avram Grant is expected to help in the production by keeping the set cold and emotionless so the snow won't melt. The production is being financially backed by Roman Abrahamovich who is not scared of shelling out large quantities of money for what could be another financial flop.
Drogba's "The Snowman" is not expected to win any awards and the production staff is not expected to respond to criticism nicely, but it should be in a cinema near you in time for Christmas. Studio representatives are expected to be handing out film-related flags as an incentive to potential viewers to watch the film.
Jose Mourinho's requirements for taking the managerial role
Originally Posted June 30th, 2008
Following recent rumours that DIC would hire Jose Mourinho if they took over Liverpool Football Club, the Knosuj Place Times have uncovered more unfounded rumours originating out of Dubai.
According to an un-named, but very special source, Mr. Mourinho has given DIC a list of requirements that need to be met prior to his employment.
1) The famous "This is Anfield" sign is to be replaced with a new banner- the new banner will be a close up of Jose's face and will read "This is Jose's face".
2) Poop-a-scoop bag dispensors are to be placed at all four corners of the field so that Jose can take his dog for walks at half time on the field.
3) The away dressing room is to be bugged so that Jose can confirm that the opposition manager is not spying on him or being a voyeur.
4) Stanley park is to be renamed "Realm of the Special-One" and is to be adorned with statues of Jose in various poses.
5) Shaving mirrors to be installed in the changing room so he doesn't have to go out on the field with a stubble anymore.
Mr. Mourinho's requests have not been granted without resistance however. DIC are apparantly unwilling to grant all concessions to Jose, stating for one, that Amanda Stavely likes the stubble.
Following recent rumours that DIC would hire Jose Mourinho if they took over Liverpool Football Club, the Knosuj Place Times have uncovered more unfounded rumours originating out of Dubai.
According to an un-named, but very special source, Mr. Mourinho has given DIC a list of requirements that need to be met prior to his employment.
1) The famous "This is Anfield" sign is to be replaced with a new banner- the new banner will be a close up of Jose's face and will read "This is Jose's face".
2) Poop-a-scoop bag dispensors are to be placed at all four corners of the field so that Jose can take his dog for walks at half time on the field.
3) The away dressing room is to be bugged so that Jose can confirm that the opposition manager is not spying on him or being a voyeur.
4) Stanley park is to be renamed "Realm of the Special-One" and is to be adorned with statues of Jose in various poses.
5) Shaving mirrors to be installed in the changing room so he doesn't have to go out on the field with a stubble anymore.
Mr. Mourinho's requests have not been granted without resistance however. DIC are apparantly unwilling to grant all concessions to Jose, stating for one, that Amanda Stavely likes the stubble.
Researchers discover new illness
Originally Posted Apr 23rd 2008
Researchers from Knosuj Place University this morning have announced the discovery of a previously unknown malady called "Tackle Sickness".
Tackle sickness, a sister infliction to travel sickness, has many symptoms including nausea, dizzyness, pantomine acting, headaches, and the need to roll on the floor pretending to be in pain. Researchers discovered the disease after painstakingly studying Didier Drogba's on field movements.
The Ivory Coast football star appeared to be in a lot of pain and suffered from a severe inability to stay on his feet when tackled. Still, doctors say that Didier is lucky, and that others, such as Christiano Ronaldo, have the condition far worse.
Chrstiano Ronaldo's condition has deteriorated so far that dizzyness causes him to fall over before anyone even tackles him. There is hope though. Doctors say with a steady treatment of yellow and red cards even the worst suffers of tackle sickness may begin to be more steady on their feet. Referees however are cautious to treat players with the recommended dosage stating that side-effects may include being mouthed off against in the Press by Ferguson and Grant.
Researchers from Knosuj Place University this morning have announced the discovery of a previously unknown malady called "Tackle Sickness".
Tackle sickness, a sister infliction to travel sickness, has many symptoms including nausea, dizzyness, pantomine acting, headaches, and the need to roll on the floor pretending to be in pain. Researchers discovered the disease after painstakingly studying Didier Drogba's on field movements.
The Ivory Coast football star appeared to be in a lot of pain and suffered from a severe inability to stay on his feet when tackled. Still, doctors say that Didier is lucky, and that others, such as Christiano Ronaldo, have the condition far worse.
Chrstiano Ronaldo's condition has deteriorated so far that dizzyness causes him to fall over before anyone even tackles him. There is hope though. Doctors say with a steady treatment of yellow and red cards even the worst suffers of tackle sickness may begin to be more steady on their feet. Referees however are cautious to treat players with the recommended dosage stating that side-effects may include being mouthed off against in the Press by Ferguson and Grant.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Michael Turner in dispute with McDonalds
Sources close to the Knosuj Place Times this morning have revealed that Michael Turner is in dispute with McDonalds over a recent to-go purchase.
"I wanted to eat the meal in the restaurant on a nice plastic tray, " he told reporters, "but they gave me the meal in a brown paper bag. "
"My girl friend had asked me if I wanted to sleep with her that night at the same time the cashier asked if I wanted my meal to-go. Obviously when I answered, 'It's been my fantasy all day' I was talking to my girlfriend not the cashier. "
McDonalds has refused to apologise over the situation; franchise owner, Salton DeFries, claims, by the letter of the law, Turner was asked if he wanted it "to go," and he answered in the affirmative.
"He had all day to be with his girlfriend, our cashier was waiting for an answer. It's not unusual to think he was having fantasies about our mystery meat is it?"
This is not the first time Turner has been in a problem of misunderstanding. This past weekend Turner was given a ticket for running a red traffic light. "Obviously my intention was to stop, " Turner told our paper, "I had my foot on the brakes at the time. I was passing my goalkeeper's car at the time."
"I wanted to eat the meal in the restaurant on a nice plastic tray, " he told reporters, "but they gave me the meal in a brown paper bag. "
"My girl friend had asked me if I wanted to sleep with her that night at the same time the cashier asked if I wanted my meal to-go. Obviously when I answered, 'It's been my fantasy all day' I was talking to my girlfriend not the cashier. "
McDonalds has refused to apologise over the situation; franchise owner, Salton DeFries, claims, by the letter of the law, Turner was asked if he wanted it "to go," and he answered in the affirmative.
"He had all day to be with his girlfriend, our cashier was waiting for an answer. It's not unusual to think he was having fantasies about our mystery meat is it?"
This is not the first time Turner has been in a problem of misunderstanding. This past weekend Turner was given a ticket for running a red traffic light. "Obviously my intention was to stop, " Turner told our paper, "I had my foot on the brakes at the time. I was passing my goalkeeper's car at the time."
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Bendtner charged in boot throwing incident
Originally Posted December 2008
The Knosuj Place Times has learnt today that Nick Bendtner of Arsenal fame is to face charges for attempting to throw his football boots at President George W. Bush of the United States.
Charges were at first hushed up- but video footage of the event that happened several weeks ago have now been released to global media.
Video clearly shows Nick Bendtner throwing his football boots at the American President yelling "You Tottenham Dog" in Iraqi. Bendtner's boots were confiscated by secret service- forcing him to play in his girl-friends hot-pink boots in recent weeks.
Bendtner is a central figure for the Arsenal team, and also played a small part in the original Austin Powers movie as an Asian henchman named Random Task.
The Knosuj Place Times has learnt today that Nick Bendtner of Arsenal fame is to face charges for attempting to throw his football boots at President George W. Bush of the United States.
Charges were at first hushed up- but video footage of the event that happened several weeks ago have now been released to global media.
Video clearly shows Nick Bendtner throwing his football boots at the American President yelling "You Tottenham Dog" in Iraqi. Bendtner's boots were confiscated by secret service- forcing him to play in his girl-friends hot-pink boots in recent weeks.
Bendtner is a central figure for the Arsenal team, and also played a small part in the original Austin Powers movie as an Asian henchman named Random Task.
The Ghost of Football
Originally Posted March, 2009
Usually Football and ghosts don't come up in the same sentence, at least that's what Sue Purnatrol used to think. She's been following her favourite team play since football began back in 1992.
"Things used to be great, " Sue told the Knosuj Place Times, "we used to always be winning. There were no ghosts, no supernatural beings. "
Recently though for Sue she's beginning to regret going to games. "Not only have we started to lose, but I'm hearing ghosts in the toilets."
It started after her team, Manchester United, lost to Liverpool on the 14th of March.
"I left the stadium early because I saw we were going to lose. That, and the Liverpool fans were just too loud, it sounded like a pub, whoever heard of loud behaviour at a football game?
It took me a little longer than I had hoped- stepping over the dead rats in the ladies room makes a perilous visit. I applied my makeup, redid my hair, sat on the loo and then I heard it- the ghost."
Sue wasn't alone- many people heard the ghost that day- a loud wailing sound that echo'd down the sewage pipes and into the WCs all round Old Trafford.
"Whhhhhhyyyyyyy meeeeeeeee- ahhhhhhh daaaaaa bessssssst teeeeeeammmmm loooooooosssssttttt! Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
It was a truly saddening sound. One man, who had passed out drunk from despair during the game and woke hours later confirmed the eerie sound and haunting continued late into the night. He even claimed to have seen the ghost- a purple nosed monstrosity with red flashing eyes, exiting the toilets.
"The ghost turned to me and asked, 'av Sky leff now laddie?'" Ian Ebriated told our paper.
Was this a bizarre prediction to the end of time when Earth is stripped of it's atmosphere experts now wonder.
The ghost, known to ghosthunters as 'the Bogman of Salford' was not a one time appearance. He appeared again following United's loss to Fulham.
"eeeeeet waaaaaaaaarnitttt a reeeeeeed!!!!!!!" he wailed through the sewage pipes sending the cockroaches scurrying.
Many now wonder what affect this will have on Old Trafford. The stadium known for it's pristine silence may get quieter still as visitors from London and Surrey are forced to look over their shoulders to make sure the Bogman of Salford is not standing behind them.
Usually Football and ghosts don't come up in the same sentence, at least that's what Sue Purnatrol used to think. She's been following her favourite team play since football began back in 1992.
"Things used to be great, " Sue told the Knosuj Place Times, "we used to always be winning. There were no ghosts, no supernatural beings. "
Recently though for Sue she's beginning to regret going to games. "Not only have we started to lose, but I'm hearing ghosts in the toilets."
It started after her team, Manchester United, lost to Liverpool on the 14th of March.
"I left the stadium early because I saw we were going to lose. That, and the Liverpool fans were just too loud, it sounded like a pub, whoever heard of loud behaviour at a football game?
It took me a little longer than I had hoped- stepping over the dead rats in the ladies room makes a perilous visit. I applied my makeup, redid my hair, sat on the loo and then I heard it- the ghost."
Sue wasn't alone- many people heard the ghost that day- a loud wailing sound that echo'd down the sewage pipes and into the WCs all round Old Trafford.
"Whhhhhhyyyyyyy meeeeeeeee- ahhhhhhh daaaaaa bessssssst teeeeeeammmmm loooooooosssssttttt! Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
It was a truly saddening sound. One man, who had passed out drunk from despair during the game and woke hours later confirmed the eerie sound and haunting continued late into the night. He even claimed to have seen the ghost- a purple nosed monstrosity with red flashing eyes, exiting the toilets.
"The ghost turned to me and asked, 'av Sky leff now laddie?'" Ian Ebriated told our paper.
Was this a bizarre prediction to the end of time when Earth is stripped of it's atmosphere experts now wonder.
The ghost, known to ghosthunters as 'the Bogman of Salford' was not a one time appearance. He appeared again following United's loss to Fulham.
"eeeeeet waaaaaaaaarnitttt a reeeeeeed!!!!!!!" he wailed through the sewage pipes sending the cockroaches scurrying.
Many now wonder what affect this will have on Old Trafford. The stadium known for it's pristine silence may get quieter still as visitors from London and Surrey are forced to look over their shoulders to make sure the Bogman of Salford is not standing behind them.
Balloon D'Or Winner announced
Originally Posted September 2009
The Knosuj Place Times this morning has announced that a new contender for the Balloon D'Or has controversally been selected for this year.
The balloon, controversally scored a goal accepting a pass from Bent in the Sunderland vs Liverpool game, skillfully evading Johnson and scoring the only goal of the match.
This puts the balloon's statistics at a mindblowing 1 goal in 5 minutes. A statistic that rivals Rafael da Silva's hot-dogging rate on a Friday night.
Liverpool fans are naturally irate and point out that not only were Sunderland fielding 12 players at the time (if you include the balloon- 13 if you include the referee) but that the balloon was actually in an off-side position at the time the ball was played to it.
Critics are saying the move to nominate the balloon are premature, underserving, and that the balloon was actually a "beach-ball" not a balloon as comentators first announced.
However, Balloon D'Or nominators point out that the "Balloon" part of their name is to be taken loosely- pointing out that last year's winner, Christiano Ronaldo was selected because, like a balloon he was a big over-inflated bag of hot-air.
The Knosuj Place Times this morning has announced that a new contender for the Balloon D'Or has controversally been selected for this year.
The balloon, controversally scored a goal accepting a pass from Bent in the Sunderland vs Liverpool game, skillfully evading Johnson and scoring the only goal of the match.
This puts the balloon's statistics at a mindblowing 1 goal in 5 minutes. A statistic that rivals Rafael da Silva's hot-dogging rate on a Friday night.
Liverpool fans are naturally irate and point out that not only were Sunderland fielding 12 players at the time (if you include the balloon- 13 if you include the referee) but that the balloon was actually in an off-side position at the time the ball was played to it.
Critics are saying the move to nominate the balloon are premature, underserving, and that the balloon was actually a "beach-ball" not a balloon as comentators first announced.
However, Balloon D'Or nominators point out that the "Balloon" part of their name is to be taken loosely- pointing out that last year's winner, Christiano Ronaldo was selected because, like a balloon he was a big over-inflated bag of hot-air.
Fergie not fined for anti-ref outburst
Originally Posted October, 2009
According to this morning's Knosuj Place Times the FA has responded to criticism of Mariner's hearing following United's two nill defeat at Anfield.
Sir Alex Fergusson recently criticised how fit Mariner was for the game citing his hearing not being very good.
"Giggs and Rooney kept yelling at him to give a penalty, or to send an opposition player off the field but he didn't seem to hear them. " Fergusson told the KP Times.
The FA has decided not to punnish Fergusson for his latest outburst stating his past history of compliance and ability to accept defeat graciously without critisizing the referee.
"I was yelling '20 minutes stoppage time' from the sideline- but I got less than half that. " he whined. "Surely with the stage as big as it is the referee association would provide us with refs that are fit when it comes to their senses."
Our reporters tried to inform Fergie as he turned to walk away about the toilet paper still stuck to his shoe, but he didn't hear us.
According to this morning's Knosuj Place Times the FA has responded to criticism of Mariner's hearing following United's two nill defeat at Anfield.
Sir Alex Fergusson recently criticised how fit Mariner was for the game citing his hearing not being very good.
"Giggs and Rooney kept yelling at him to give a penalty, or to send an opposition player off the field but he didn't seem to hear them. " Fergusson told the KP Times.
The FA has decided not to punnish Fergusson for his latest outburst stating his past history of compliance and ability to accept defeat graciously without critisizing the referee.
"I was yelling '20 minutes stoppage time' from the sideline- but I got less than half that. " he whined. "Surely with the stage as big as it is the referee association would provide us with refs that are fit when it comes to their senses."
Our reporters tried to inform Fergie as he turned to walk away about the toilet paper still stuck to his shoe, but he didn't hear us.
Training Precautions stepped up.
Originally Posted Nov 3rd, 2009
Rafael Benitez this morning informed the Knosuj Place Times that he is stepping up precautions against injuries- starting with training sessions.
"We're doing all we can, for sure, " Rafa told journalists who had joined him hunting for four leafed clovers in Stanley Park, "we just seem beseiged by bad luck!"
Luck may not be on Rafa's side, Sammy Lee smashed one the dressing room mirrors at the start of the season after accusing the players of swapping it with one of those carnival mirrors that make you look fat.
Despite Rafa taking precautions though, Jamie Carragher was put out of action this morning when a horse-shoe fell from the boot-room wall and struck him in the head. Lucas Leiva also joins the injury list after being bitten trying to collect rabbit's feet. The rabbit apparantly did not approve of his quest. Lucas is currently being treated for Rabies.
"I've ordered a new kit made of Kevlar, " Benitez said as he looked down in frustration at the two, three, and five-leafed clovers he had found. We're also spending our January transfer budget on force-field technology from NASA.
A few moments later Rafa received an alert, Torres's lucky arm-band had got stuck in a lift and had ripped his arm off. "See what I'm up against?" he asked whilst shaking his head.
Meanwhile, Liverpool are reviewing their options, a loop hole in the contract could mean the healthy and fit Harry Kewell could return to Liverpool to fill in during the unlucky injury crisis.
Rafael Benitez this morning informed the Knosuj Place Times that he is stepping up precautions against injuries- starting with training sessions.
"We're doing all we can, for sure, " Rafa told journalists who had joined him hunting for four leafed clovers in Stanley Park, "we just seem beseiged by bad luck!"
Luck may not be on Rafa's side, Sammy Lee smashed one the dressing room mirrors at the start of the season after accusing the players of swapping it with one of those carnival mirrors that make you look fat.
Despite Rafa taking precautions though, Jamie Carragher was put out of action this morning when a horse-shoe fell from the boot-room wall and struck him in the head. Lucas Leiva also joins the injury list after being bitten trying to collect rabbit's feet. The rabbit apparantly did not approve of his quest. Lucas is currently being treated for Rabies.
"I've ordered a new kit made of Kevlar, " Benitez said as he looked down in frustration at the two, three, and five-leafed clovers he had found. We're also spending our January transfer budget on force-field technology from NASA.
A few moments later Rafa received an alert, Torres's lucky arm-band had got stuck in a lift and had ripped his arm off. "See what I'm up against?" he asked whilst shaking his head.
Meanwhile, Liverpool are reviewing their options, a loop hole in the contract could mean the healthy and fit Harry Kewell could return to Liverpool to fill in during the unlucky injury crisis.
KPFC Season Ticket Sales down
Originally Posted Nov 5th 2009
The Surrey Green Triangle conference club, Knosuj Place FC, is having a bit of a financial crises this morning after season-ticket sales were reported lower than expected.
KPFC, who recently moved into the cheapmeds4u @ hotmal.com stadium, had planned a new strategy for selling tickets by e-mailing known fans with the offer.
Chairman, Willy Pill reported to the Knosuj Place Times that spam filters appeared to be blocking out the e-mail offering season tickets.
"We had hoped to get the message out that an extra 6 inches of space would be available to our members, " Mr. Pill told the paper. "We worked hard to build the stadium, but now it looks like our errection will go unfilled. "
E-mail providers were contacted but refused to take KPFC off their blacklist even after it was explained. It looks like sales will remain flaccid throughout the season.
Nigerian striker, Manni Gonnascamyu shook his head with disbelief after learning he was not going to receive his paycheque this week.
"I just need a little funds to help my uncle out of jail and he was going to give his $25million fortune to the club- now he's going to have to give it to someone else unless we act soon."
The Surrey Green Triangle conference club, Knosuj Place FC, is having a bit of a financial crises this morning after season-ticket sales were reported lower than expected.
KPFC, who recently moved into the cheapmeds4u @ hotmal.com stadium, had planned a new strategy for selling tickets by e-mailing known fans with the offer.
Chairman, Willy Pill reported to the Knosuj Place Times that spam filters appeared to be blocking out the e-mail offering season tickets.
"We had hoped to get the message out that an extra 6 inches of space would be available to our members, " Mr. Pill told the paper. "We worked hard to build the stadium, but now it looks like our errection will go unfilled. "
E-mail providers were contacted but refused to take KPFC off their blacklist even after it was explained. It looks like sales will remain flaccid throughout the season.
Nigerian striker, Manni Gonnascamyu shook his head with disbelief after learning he was not going to receive his paycheque this week.
"I just need a little funds to help my uncle out of jail and he was going to give his $25million fortune to the club- now he's going to have to give it to someone else unless we act soon."
John Terry close to joining Manchester United
Originally Posted Feb 1st, 2010
The Knosuj Place Times believes John Terry to be joining Manchester United on transfer deadline day.
One observer spotted John Terry in a parked car with Sir Alex Fegusson's wife.
"They were obviously organizing a secret last minute deal," our informant told us, "Mrs. F was whispering something into John's ear- and then he would pull her hair back and do the same. John Terry isn't very co-ordinated, he kept slipping and missing her ear- reminds me of his penalty kicks, "
Manchester United deny any connection to the Terry transfer, probably not wanting the cost of the deal to escalate.
Our informant continued:
"It appeared from my vantage point that Mr. Terry had a mobile phone in his trousers- and Mrs. Fergusson was secretly trying to talk into it. I don't think the offers were very good though because I kept hearing a lot of moaning from Mr. Terry- it was almost like a week-day Chelsea game. "
David Seaman may be coming out of retirement to join Terry at United- our informant heard his name mentioned once or twice during the discussions.
We believe eventually the discussion between Mrs. Fergusson and John Terry did result in an agreement, both parties left the rendevous smiling.
The Knosuj Place Times believes John Terry to be joining Manchester United on transfer deadline day.
One observer spotted John Terry in a parked car with Sir Alex Fegusson's wife.
"They were obviously organizing a secret last minute deal," our informant told us, "Mrs. F was whispering something into John's ear- and then he would pull her hair back and do the same. John Terry isn't very co-ordinated, he kept slipping and missing her ear- reminds me of his penalty kicks, "
Manchester United deny any connection to the Terry transfer, probably not wanting the cost of the deal to escalate.
Our informant continued:
"It appeared from my vantage point that Mr. Terry had a mobile phone in his trousers- and Mrs. Fergusson was secretly trying to talk into it. I don't think the offers were very good though because I kept hearing a lot of moaning from Mr. Terry- it was almost like a week-day Chelsea game. "
David Seaman may be coming out of retirement to join Terry at United- our informant heard his name mentioned once or twice during the discussions.
We believe eventually the discussion between Mrs. Fergusson and John Terry did result in an agreement, both parties left the rendevous smiling.
Tom Hicks To Receive Knighthood
The KP Times this morning learnt that preliminary plans are underway to grant Tom Hicks of Dallas, Texas an honourary knighthood.
According to crown spokesman, Stief Upalipp, the legendary businessman is praised in much of Liverpool, where his visits often result in a surge of business at neighbourhood McDonalds. A long time supporter of the British government, Hicks has proved tireless in his attempts to keep the government banks afloat. RBS admit that without his interest payments the bank would have collapsed long ago.
Tom Hicks is known for his philanthropy having recently given millions of pounds sterling to the Liverpool council for land grants in Stanley Park that he never intended to use.
It is believed a peerage is planed for the Texan and it is hoped his experience dealing with defecits and debt can be invaluable to the House of Lords.
Unfortunately Tom Hicks was unavailable for comment, his telephone having been disconnected for failure to pay bills. A close friend of Mr. Hicks however was convinced that Hicks would be willing to do whatever it takes to turn Britain's economy around; he would hire any economist necessary to help him with the task, even Snoogy Doogy would not be overlooked.
According to crown spokesman, Stief Upalipp, the legendary businessman is praised in much of Liverpool, where his visits often result in a surge of business at neighbourhood McDonalds. A long time supporter of the British government, Hicks has proved tireless in his attempts to keep the government banks afloat. RBS admit that without his interest payments the bank would have collapsed long ago.
Tom Hicks is known for his philanthropy having recently given millions of pounds sterling to the Liverpool council for land grants in Stanley Park that he never intended to use.
It is believed a peerage is planed for the Texan and it is hoped his experience dealing with defecits and debt can be invaluable to the House of Lords.
Unfortunately Tom Hicks was unavailable for comment, his telephone having been disconnected for failure to pay bills. A close friend of Mr. Hicks however was convinced that Hicks would be willing to do whatever it takes to turn Britain's economy around; he would hire any economist necessary to help him with the task, even Snoogy Doogy would not be overlooked.
Monday, September 20, 2010
St. Peter given 30 year notice
Originally Posted August 2008
According to researchers at the Knosuj Place Times, St. Peter and St. Paul have been given 30 year notice from God that they are about to be replaced in their positions.
An annonymous source notified our paper that not only is Christiano Ronaldo saintly enough to become God's chief saint upon death, he is also saintly enough to take over the positions of St. Paul and St. Peter the next two highest saints in rank.
Father Chris Muss abbot at the Brothers of Meijer monestary here in Knosuj Place explains the decision:
"To be a good fisherman of men, you need to be able to dive right in to the task. The great referee in the sky winks kindly on Ronaldo's simulations of good deeds and will reward him with a penalty applied against St. Peter and St. Paul as a result."
God was unable to answer reporters from our paper to confirm or deny reports of Ronaldo's promotion. His receptionist informed us that the almighty was in the process of filling out lengthy paper work regarding Joey Barton and would not be able to answer any questions until next week.
According to researchers at the Knosuj Place Times, St. Peter and St. Paul have been given 30 year notice from God that they are about to be replaced in their positions.
An annonymous source notified our paper that not only is Christiano Ronaldo saintly enough to become God's chief saint upon death, he is also saintly enough to take over the positions of St. Paul and St. Peter the next two highest saints in rank.
Father Chris Muss abbot at the Brothers of Meijer monestary here in Knosuj Place explains the decision:
"To be a good fisherman of men, you need to be able to dive right in to the task. The great referee in the sky winks kindly on Ronaldo's simulations of good deeds and will reward him with a penalty applied against St. Peter and St. Paul as a result."
God was unable to answer reporters from our paper to confirm or deny reports of Ronaldo's promotion. His receptionist informed us that the almighty was in the process of filling out lengthy paper work regarding Joey Barton and would not be able to answer any questions until next week.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Maddam Tussard to save Liverpool
Originally Posted 12th February, 2010
It's Madame Tussard to the rescue this weekend as Liverpool travel to Manchester.
After completing a wax-work Gerrard, Liverpool were impressed enought to have requested a wax-work Torres to help fill in the gap left up front for Liverpool.
"Just seeing Torres on the field will send shivers and draw defenders out of position, for sure, " Rafael Benitez told our journalists. "They make life-like works of art- and I don't think anyone will notice we're using a wax statue instead of the real thing."
"For sure, " Mr. Benitez continued, "they might notice a lack of pace from wax-work Torres, but Sir Alex has been using a wax-work Berbatov all season and most people haven't noticed he's not real yet. "
The use of "fake" players on the field is not new to this season. During the 2005 summer season Borussia Moscow fielded a player made of frozen lard against Chelsea.
Many Borussia fans are still trying to collect money from Chelsea to pay for psychiatric bills after watching Frank Lampard eating their presumed centre-back just outside the penalty box.
It's Madame Tussard to the rescue this weekend as Liverpool travel to Manchester.
After completing a wax-work Gerrard, Liverpool were impressed enought to have requested a wax-work Torres to help fill in the gap left up front for Liverpool.
"Just seeing Torres on the field will send shivers and draw defenders out of position, for sure, " Rafael Benitez told our journalists. "They make life-like works of art- and I don't think anyone will notice we're using a wax statue instead of the real thing."
"For sure, " Mr. Benitez continued, "they might notice a lack of pace from wax-work Torres, but Sir Alex has been using a wax-work Berbatov all season and most people haven't noticed he's not real yet. "
The use of "fake" players on the field is not new to this season. During the 2005 summer season Borussia Moscow fielded a player made of frozen lard against Chelsea.
Many Borussia fans are still trying to collect money from Chelsea to pay for psychiatric bills after watching Frank Lampard eating their presumed centre-back just outside the penalty box.
Editorial: Summer of '07
Originally Posted April, 2010
Some years ago, I told Rafa.
"We need a young Brazilian named Lucas in the team"
I'm an LFC, and transfer Window '07 was my idea.
What do Jermaine Pennant and Jermaine Defoe have in common?
They've both been involved in games against Manchester United where a red card was issued.
Typical Jermaines!
Some years ago, I told Rafa.
"We need a young Brazilian named Lucas in the team"
I'm an LFC, and transfer Window '07 was my idea.
What do Jermaine Pennant and Jermaine Defoe have in common?
They've both been involved in games against Manchester United where a red card was issued.
Typical Jermaines!
Editorial: What it means to have Broughton as Liverpool's new chairman
Originally Posted April 16th, 2010
With a new chairman, (and a BA Chairman at that) taking over the reigns at Anfield you can expect a few new changes.
First be prepared for beefed up security. Shoes and wallets and any bags will be passed through an x-ray machine before entering the stadium. Your scarves will be taken from you (at a £5 fee) and delivered to your seat, or randonly, they will get lost and sent to Amsterdam.
Seats at Anfield will now be sold as "First Class", "Business Class" and "Coach".
Fat people will be expected to pay for two seats.
Seats in Coach will be cramped together in such a way that everyone will be within smelling range of someone with BO that wants to talk through the entire game.
First Class seats, of course, will be spacious and provided with free champagne. Fat talkative men with BO will be sprayed down with perfume and have food stuffed in their mouths to keep them quiet for your pleasure.
Expect brochures for the Anfield Shop to be tucked in nicely to seat in front of you.
Quality of food served at the game will be greatly decreased. Food will be cooked a day in advance and kept warm ready to send out to stadiums across the country to cut costs. Kosher meals will be available upon request.
Safety instructions will be performed by fed-up looking women in skirt-suits and high-heels. Evacuation instructions will be provided in case of crashing out of the FA Cup.
Finally, in case of volcanic erruption in far off islands, all games will be cancelled for a week to be rescheduled for later.
Thank you for flying LFC airlines.
With a new chairman, (and a BA Chairman at that) taking over the reigns at Anfield you can expect a few new changes.
First be prepared for beefed up security. Shoes and wallets and any bags will be passed through an x-ray machine before entering the stadium. Your scarves will be taken from you (at a £5 fee) and delivered to your seat, or randonly, they will get lost and sent to Amsterdam.
Seats at Anfield will now be sold as "First Class", "Business Class" and "Coach".
Fat people will be expected to pay for two seats.
Seats in Coach will be cramped together in such a way that everyone will be within smelling range of someone with BO that wants to talk through the entire game.
First Class seats, of course, will be spacious and provided with free champagne. Fat talkative men with BO will be sprayed down with perfume and have food stuffed in their mouths to keep them quiet for your pleasure.
Expect brochures for the Anfield Shop to be tucked in nicely to seat in front of you.
Quality of food served at the game will be greatly decreased. Food will be cooked a day in advance and kept warm ready to send out to stadiums across the country to cut costs. Kosher meals will be available upon request.
Safety instructions will be performed by fed-up looking women in skirt-suits and high-heels. Evacuation instructions will be provided in case of crashing out of the FA Cup.
Finally, in case of volcanic erruption in far off islands, all games will be cancelled for a week to be rescheduled for later.
Thank you for flying LFC airlines.
Biography: Peter Niss
Originally Posted May 5th, 2010
Swiss super striker, Peter Niss, started his professional career as an unused member of Young Boys. His career started poorly and a limp left him unlikely to see action. He quickly learned dribbling skills that would become an essential part of his repetoire over the years. After a few spills, Niss, started to learn control and would leak less to the opposition.
His efforts and growth were finally noticed by Peruvian minnows Deportivo Wanka in 1974 and he finally began to get some much needed match practice. As a Wanka, P. Niss grew and learned shooting skills. He was described by some pundits as a frustrating striker with little experience but a lot of potential. Often called out for hand ball, Niss began to grow disillusioned with life as a Wanka and wanted to broarden his experiences.
In the early years he was criticised for being impuslive and too quick to jump up- he would frequently be left embarrased and standing long after a chance at play had moved on. Privately his life was a mess; he was often stiff and massaging brought little relief.
Seven years after first joining the Wanka ranks, Niss's first major breakthrough was entering Chelsea in 1981. He didn't spend long there and was quickly ejected from starting; but he had at long last tasted an opening. His last experience with Chelsea came with him seeing red; disgusted he walked off, never to play on Chelsea's field again.
Joining Arsenal the next summer he gained more usefull experience but he never heard the "Up the Arse' chants" directed at him, his efforts there were unwelcomed. Peter Niss entered a stage of a dwindling number of admirers and he entered a barren stretch of little play. He returned to Wanka on loan that season, something he would do many times during his career. In later years he would say, no matter where he was playing, he was still a Wanka at heart and would always be a Wanka. Touching words from the tall ball player.
Fearing he was no longer able to mix it with English elite, he wantered from team to team, gaining experience. He was crippled by disease over the years. At one point he feared his career had reached a premature end after feeling a painfull burning sensation whilst he dribbled. He considered retiring early from sport, and, for a while caught crabs at a coastal French town.
He recovered, and finally found his home with Juventes. Juventes, known as the old lady, welcomed him and he would spend many years banging it in for her. As his experience and fame rose, he would play in many positions- bringing a pulsating energy to the team. Many suitors would call, but Peter Niss remained loyal to the old lady and refused to play for the other team.
It was only a matter of time before the old lady swelled from the seeds of Peter Niss's efforts. With the swelling of the old lady's the Juventes family grew; Niss found himself unneeded and sitting alone on the bench many nights. He would enter another barren patch- and before long one would often hear cries at the San Siro- Niss was accredited to this.
Unfortunately, there would be no further swelling of Juventes, the link up of balls to Niss were cut and he was left feeling somewhat less of a man. His advances often led to nothing.
As with all careers, an inevitable decline stepped in. He became unable to play in the centre, often found veering off to one side. Although his stamina would stay with him for many years, his shots became weaker and less forcefull over time. His plays carried less of a punch. Alcoholism was a major downfall. After partaking of the bottle he would spill passes. Pundits began to refer to him as "beyond pants". He found himself no longer able to perform on demand.
Efforts to extend his career led him to taking drugs to keep up. Unfortunately he became dependant on drugs; pretty soon he found he could only score if he had taken a pill.
Finally, one day after standing for more than four hours he died, flopped over on the field of play, never to rise again. Resussitation by mouth was tried, but even this failed.
His legend lives on though. May the world may never forget the glory of Peter Niss; sport has been enriched by his pursuits
Swiss super striker, Peter Niss, started his professional career as an unused member of Young Boys. His career started poorly and a limp left him unlikely to see action. He quickly learned dribbling skills that would become an essential part of his repetoire over the years. After a few spills, Niss, started to learn control and would leak less to the opposition.
His efforts and growth were finally noticed by Peruvian minnows Deportivo Wanka in 1974 and he finally began to get some much needed match practice. As a Wanka, P. Niss grew and learned shooting skills. He was described by some pundits as a frustrating striker with little experience but a lot of potential. Often called out for hand ball, Niss began to grow disillusioned with life as a Wanka and wanted to broarden his experiences.
In the early years he was criticised for being impuslive and too quick to jump up- he would frequently be left embarrased and standing long after a chance at play had moved on. Privately his life was a mess; he was often stiff and massaging brought little relief.
Seven years after first joining the Wanka ranks, Niss's first major breakthrough was entering Chelsea in 1981. He didn't spend long there and was quickly ejected from starting; but he had at long last tasted an opening. His last experience with Chelsea came with him seeing red; disgusted he walked off, never to play on Chelsea's field again.
Joining Arsenal the next summer he gained more usefull experience but he never heard the "Up the Arse' chants" directed at him, his efforts there were unwelcomed. Peter Niss entered a stage of a dwindling number of admirers and he entered a barren stretch of little play. He returned to Wanka on loan that season, something he would do many times during his career. In later years he would say, no matter where he was playing, he was still a Wanka at heart and would always be a Wanka. Touching words from the tall ball player.
Fearing he was no longer able to mix it with English elite, he wantered from team to team, gaining experience. He was crippled by disease over the years. At one point he feared his career had reached a premature end after feeling a painfull burning sensation whilst he dribbled. He considered retiring early from sport, and, for a while caught crabs at a coastal French town.
He recovered, and finally found his home with Juventes. Juventes, known as the old lady, welcomed him and he would spend many years banging it in for her. As his experience and fame rose, he would play in many positions- bringing a pulsating energy to the team. Many suitors would call, but Peter Niss remained loyal to the old lady and refused to play for the other team.
It was only a matter of time before the old lady swelled from the seeds of Peter Niss's efforts. With the swelling of the old lady's the Juventes family grew; Niss found himself unneeded and sitting alone on the bench many nights. He would enter another barren patch- and before long one would often hear cries at the San Siro- Niss was accredited to this.
Unfortunately, there would be no further swelling of Juventes, the link up of balls to Niss were cut and he was left feeling somewhat less of a man. His advances often led to nothing.
As with all careers, an inevitable decline stepped in. He became unable to play in the centre, often found veering off to one side. Although his stamina would stay with him for many years, his shots became weaker and less forcefull over time. His plays carried less of a punch. Alcoholism was a major downfall. After partaking of the bottle he would spill passes. Pundits began to refer to him as "beyond pants". He found himself no longer able to perform on demand.
Efforts to extend his career led him to taking drugs to keep up. Unfortunately he became dependant on drugs; pretty soon he found he could only score if he had taken a pill.
Finally, one day after standing for more than four hours he died, flopped over on the field of play, never to rise again. Resussitation by mouth was tried, but even this failed.
His legend lives on though. May the world may never forget the glory of Peter Niss; sport has been enriched by his pursuits
Hermann Tilke dreams of being a football manager
Originally Posted 27th May 2010
The Knosuj Place Times this morning learnt that Formula One racetrack designer Mr. Tilke is planning on leaving race track development to pursue his other dream, football management; Bernie Ecclestone, owner of QPR has alledgedly offered Tilke the management position.
"It's not about the spectacle or the thrill, " Tilke told our journalists, "it's about building the stands in the right place on the track to keep Bernie happy."
Tilke, is expected to provide a mix of fast and slow corners during the game and has adopted a no-passing strategy. "I'm only in favour of passing when players go into the dressing room."
A new stadium is already in the works, Tilke promises it will be extra wide, with the stands pushed way back to allow run-off areas for the footballers.
QPR fans, excited about their new manager, are organising a single-file parade in Mr. Tilke's honour.
The Knosuj Place Times this morning learnt that Formula One racetrack designer Mr. Tilke is planning on leaving race track development to pursue his other dream, football management; Bernie Ecclestone, owner of QPR has alledgedly offered Tilke the management position.
"It's not about the spectacle or the thrill, " Tilke told our journalists, "it's about building the stands in the right place on the track to keep Bernie happy."
Tilke, is expected to provide a mix of fast and slow corners during the game and has adopted a no-passing strategy. "I'm only in favour of passing when players go into the dressing room."
A new stadium is already in the works, Tilke promises it will be extra wide, with the stands pushed way back to allow run-off areas for the footballers.
QPR fans, excited about their new manager, are organising a single-file parade in Mr. Tilke's honour.
Editorial: Marriage to follow Football-style contracts.
I think Football can teach us a lot about life and lifes events- such as marriage.
I'm a happily married man of 9 years- but I look around and see a lot of married people who are less than happy- staggeringly high divorce rate and think there could be fewer divorces if marriage contracts were more like football contracts.
Instead of being "for life" they should operate on four year contracts that can be extended- or allow one party to leave on a Bosman if expectations arn't met... no messy divorce courts etc.
Just like footballers have "buyout clauses" spouses should have this option... So if one spouse gets tired of the other- just hand them £1000 to execute the buyout clause.
Perhaps have other "get-out" clauses... "Honey, if you don't get promoted within the year, I get to walk... "
Simple ways to cut the divorce rate, have fewer divorce cases clogging up the courts... and who knows- couple that might have split- decide to see out the end of their contract and decide they like each other afterall.
Who knows- it might mean less adultery too- would-be-cheaters might be deterred by charges of "tapping-up" if they try to pick up someone already serving under a marraige contract.
I'm a happily married man of 9 years- but I look around and see a lot of married people who are less than happy- staggeringly high divorce rate and think there could be fewer divorces if marriage contracts were more like football contracts.
Instead of being "for life" they should operate on four year contracts that can be extended- or allow one party to leave on a Bosman if expectations arn't met... no messy divorce courts etc.
Just like footballers have "buyout clauses" spouses should have this option... So if one spouse gets tired of the other- just hand them £1000 to execute the buyout clause.
Perhaps have other "get-out" clauses... "Honey, if you don't get promoted within the year, I get to walk... "
Simple ways to cut the divorce rate, have fewer divorce cases clogging up the courts... and who knows- couple that might have split- decide to see out the end of their contract and decide they like each other afterall.
Who knows- it might mean less adultery too- would-be-cheaters might be deterred by charges of "tapping-up" if they try to pick up someone already serving under a marraige contract.
Editorial: The evolution of balls
Originally Posted 14th June, 2010
A lot of people are complaining about the current World Cup Balls. No surprise, like everything balls are constantly evolving.
I was reminded of this on a trip to my parents house this weekend. If you walk in my parents house the first thing you'll notice is my dad's old balls on display up-front.
He's proud of the old heavy-leather things. Although a little fuzzy and worn from years of being played with, they're actually quite interesting to look at.
Compared with my own, the first thing you'll notice is how unsymmetrical they are, the second is the stiching up the side tied together with laces. This stitching again highlights their eccentricity.
My dad talks of the old glory days when someone might get the painfull sting of laces in the mouth if the ball curved unexpetedly.
It's rare I've been given the opportunity to kick one of my dad's balls. First thing I notice though is how heavy they are. You really need to kick them hard for them to move. Compared to my own more nimble balls, they really take a slogging. - it gives you respect for the older generation- you couldn't be a pansy if you took to the field with balls like these.
My son has started playing football now. He doesn't have full-size balls yet, but he's learning how to play with them and control them. At first glance you'll notice they're more colourful than mine- but I think there is a lot more thought and cutting edge technology in his then mine will ever have- it's not just about how they look. My sons balls have been through wind-tunnels and computer simulations to reach perfection.
So before anyone complains about their balls. Stop, they're constantly changing. Everyone is given the same opportunities, some are just better at controlling theirs than others.
I do recommend though, for you to respect your eldars, if they even give you the opportunity to kick one of their balls, take it. It's a memory that will stay with you a long time- and give you a lot of respect for the heavy-unwieldy old things they had to lug around.
A lot of people are complaining about the current World Cup Balls. No surprise, like everything balls are constantly evolving.
I was reminded of this on a trip to my parents house this weekend. If you walk in my parents house the first thing you'll notice is my dad's old balls on display up-front.
He's proud of the old heavy-leather things. Although a little fuzzy and worn from years of being played with, they're actually quite interesting to look at.
Compared with my own, the first thing you'll notice is how unsymmetrical they are, the second is the stiching up the side tied together with laces. This stitching again highlights their eccentricity.
My dad talks of the old glory days when someone might get the painfull sting of laces in the mouth if the ball curved unexpetedly.
It's rare I've been given the opportunity to kick one of my dad's balls. First thing I notice though is how heavy they are. You really need to kick them hard for them to move. Compared to my own more nimble balls, they really take a slogging. - it gives you respect for the older generation- you couldn't be a pansy if you took to the field with balls like these.
My son has started playing football now. He doesn't have full-size balls yet, but he's learning how to play with them and control them. At first glance you'll notice they're more colourful than mine- but I think there is a lot more thought and cutting edge technology in his then mine will ever have- it's not just about how they look. My sons balls have been through wind-tunnels and computer simulations to reach perfection.
So before anyone complains about their balls. Stop, they're constantly changing. Everyone is given the same opportunities, some are just better at controlling theirs than others.
I do recommend though, for you to respect your eldars, if they even give you the opportunity to kick one of their balls, take it. It's a memory that will stay with you a long time- and give you a lot of respect for the heavy-unwieldy old things they had to lug around.
Spirit Of Souness protest American owners
Originally Posted August 16th, 2010
Liverpool supporters group "Spirit Of Souness" SoSo, today announced a new protest movement they call the "Red-valution".
Spirit Of Souness, formed when a group of miscreants were denied entrance to Spirit Of Shankly on the grounds that they were moderately intelligent and failed a background check, (none of them having a criminal record).
"It's not fair that just because we haven't been caught by the fuzz yet we can't join their group; we want to be hated by the respectable main-stream Liverpool fans too," Neil Andertal, SoS's spokesman told our paper.
Spirit Of Souness are hoping to campaign against the American owners by wearing the red-home kit in protest and waving "out with the yanks" posters, "we couldn't spell Americans," one protester explained.
"We hope that by making red-our protest colour, respectable fans won't buy the new home kit; not wanting to be associated with our fringe group," Neil Andertal explained.
We tried calling parent organisation Spirit of Shankly for their views on Spirit of Souness but were unable to find someone there capable of operating a telephone.
Liverpool supporters group "Spirit Of Souness" SoSo, today announced a new protest movement they call the "Red-valution".
Spirit Of Souness, formed when a group of miscreants were denied entrance to Spirit Of Shankly on the grounds that they were moderately intelligent and failed a background check, (none of them having a criminal record).
"It's not fair that just because we haven't been caught by the fuzz yet we can't join their group; we want to be hated by the respectable main-stream Liverpool fans too," Neil Andertal, SoS's spokesman told our paper.
Spirit Of Souness are hoping to campaign against the American owners by wearing the red-home kit in protest and waving "out with the yanks" posters, "we couldn't spell Americans," one protester explained.
"We hope that by making red-our protest colour, respectable fans won't buy the new home kit; not wanting to be associated with our fringe group," Neil Andertal explained.
We tried calling parent organisation Spirit of Shankly for their views on Spirit of Souness but were unable to find someone there capable of operating a telephone.
Rafael Benitez faces political backlash
Originally Posted October 1st, 2009
Rafael Benitez is in trouble with some environmental groups today. Eight members of the Knosuj Place Green Society have accused Rafa Benitez of causing global warming.
"We figure he's been blamed for everything else, why not this?" Will O'Hugga told our paper. "Quite frankly all the friction between him and Sir Alex has to have raised global temperatures by a degree or two."
It is true, also, in Europe Rafa has had more than a number of managers all hot and bothered.
"We promised the fans we'd win 3-0 at home, " Ramos complained, "this got me quite hot under the collar. "
"I was up all night shredding and burning documents, you know, just in case, what with Rafa outing us for being too close to the refs.
"that has to have released a lot of bourbon... I mean carbon into the atmosphere " a contact (who asked to remain anonymous) at Old Trafford told our paper whilst chewing gum and scratching his large purple nose.
The news of this latest accusation comes as bad timing for Rafa Benitez who is set to face Real Madrid tonight in an important European fixture. Shortly before the first leg Rafa Benitez had been blamed for the Irish Potato famine and Britain's policies during the opium wars.
"This gives us options, for sure. " Rafa told our paper. We're not quite sure what he meant by this but take it as a sign of guilt
Rafael Benitez is in trouble with some environmental groups today. Eight members of the Knosuj Place Green Society have accused Rafa Benitez of causing global warming.
"We figure he's been blamed for everything else, why not this?" Will O'Hugga told our paper. "Quite frankly all the friction between him and Sir Alex has to have raised global temperatures by a degree or two."
It is true, also, in Europe Rafa has had more than a number of managers all hot and bothered.
"We promised the fans we'd win 3-0 at home, " Ramos complained, "this got me quite hot under the collar. "
"I was up all night shredding and burning documents, you know, just in case, what with Rafa outing us for being too close to the refs.
"that has to have released a lot of bourbon... I mean carbon into the atmosphere " a contact (who asked to remain anonymous) at Old Trafford told our paper whilst chewing gum and scratching his large purple nose.
The news of this latest accusation comes as bad timing for Rafa Benitez who is set to face Real Madrid tonight in an important European fixture. Shortly before the first leg Rafa Benitez had been blamed for the Irish Potato famine and Britain's policies during the opium wars.
"This gives us options, for sure. " Rafa told our paper. We're not quite sure what he meant by this but take it as a sign of guilt
Greek government docked 9 points for going into administration
Originally Posted April 29th, 2010
The Knosuj Place Times this morning has learned that Greece has been docked 9 points by the European Central Bank for going into administration and face risks of a winding-up order by the IMF.
Supporters' groups are already considering the option of starting a phoenix nation, AFC Greece; although according to the geneva convention they won't be allowed in the same league of nations. AFC may have to relocate to the ANZAC zone for their first fiscal season and work their way back into europe's elite Euro Zone.
"We risk losing thousands of years of history bacause of a few bad managers of the country, " one supporter complained.
Yet still the question remains; how was such a bad country-manager allowed to ruin the country. The United Nations has peacekeeping missions to ensure that only fit-and-proper Presidents are allowed to remain in place. Many now question, not for the first time, the UN's ability to determine who is a fit-and-proper leader.
This is sure to be a major blow to the euro-zone, Greece is the first country in the league to enter administration.
Many fear top assets may be sold off at low rates. Germany and France are said to be interested in buying Athens and Sparta. Men in the United Kingdom are interested in aquiring Lesbos and friends of that island too.
The Knosuj Place Times this morning has learned that Greece has been docked 9 points by the European Central Bank for going into administration and face risks of a winding-up order by the IMF.
Supporters' groups are already considering the option of starting a phoenix nation, AFC Greece; although according to the geneva convention they won't be allowed in the same league of nations. AFC may have to relocate to the ANZAC zone for their first fiscal season and work their way back into europe's elite Euro Zone.
"We risk losing thousands of years of history bacause of a few bad managers of the country, " one supporter complained.
Yet still the question remains; how was such a bad country-manager allowed to ruin the country. The United Nations has peacekeeping missions to ensure that only fit-and-proper Presidents are allowed to remain in place. Many now question, not for the first time, the UN's ability to determine who is a fit-and-proper leader.
This is sure to be a major blow to the euro-zone, Greece is the first country in the league to enter administration.
Many fear top assets may be sold off at low rates. Germany and France are said to be interested in buying Athens and Sparta. Men in the United Kingdom are interested in aquiring Lesbos and friends of that island too.
Rafa no longer leaving Liverpool
Originally Posted May 4th, 2010
The Knosuj Place Times has learnt that Rafael Benitez is no longer signing with Juventes during the summer.
"I thought I had lost the dressing room, for sure, " Benitez told our eager reporters, "but then I found it at the end of the tunnel right where I last left it."
Rafa hints at the new owners being of primary importance in his decision. With Juventus being linked to every player on the Liverpool squad except for David N'Gog, one decision seemed to make a lot of sence.
"I talked to Juve's chairman Fernando Abbasong, for sure, and we shared the same the same vision. We wanted Torres, Mascherano, Gerrard to leave with me, a fantastic stadium, and the world's greatest fans. Abbasong pointed out, that we have that at Liverpool- so rather than just picking out one or two players- Juventes decided to sign the entire club, for sure. "
Liverpool will continue to play in England, but the decision to play in Juve's black and white stripes instead of red has been discarded. Those colours long being associated with failiure in the domestic market.
"Abbasong wanted to give us a new nickname 'the old lady' just like they have, but I pointed out we already have an 'old bird' and besides, we didn't want Wayne Rooney hanging around us too often, for sure. "
Juventes have long been admirers of Liverpool after meeting them in the Champions League.
"There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, " Fernando Abbasong told our reporters.
Abbasong is optimistic for success in the English market and in Italian fashion has already paid for wins in the opening three rounds of the Premier League next season.
The Knosuj Place Times has learnt that Rafael Benitez is no longer signing with Juventes during the summer.
"I thought I had lost the dressing room, for sure, " Benitez told our eager reporters, "but then I found it at the end of the tunnel right where I last left it."
Rafa hints at the new owners being of primary importance in his decision. With Juventus being linked to every player on the Liverpool squad except for David N'Gog, one decision seemed to make a lot of sence.
"I talked to Juve's chairman Fernando Abbasong, for sure, and we shared the same the same vision. We wanted Torres, Mascherano, Gerrard to leave with me, a fantastic stadium, and the world's greatest fans. Abbasong pointed out, that we have that at Liverpool- so rather than just picking out one or two players- Juventes decided to sign the entire club, for sure. "
Liverpool will continue to play in England, but the decision to play in Juve's black and white stripes instead of red has been discarded. Those colours long being associated with failiure in the domestic market.
"Abbasong wanted to give us a new nickname 'the old lady' just like they have, but I pointed out we already have an 'old bird' and besides, we didn't want Wayne Rooney hanging around us too often, for sure. "
Juventes have long been admirers of Liverpool after meeting them in the Champions League.
"There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, " Fernando Abbasong told our reporters.
Abbasong is optimistic for success in the English market and in Italian fashion has already paid for wins in the opening three rounds of the Premier League next season.
Luna Constructors Plan "Stadium City"
Originally Posted May 11th, 2010
In the spirit of oneupmanship, Luna Constructors has contacted the Knosuj Place Times in regards to their mass- 20 stadium- conjoined-stadia project.
Luna C.'s chief architect Bill DeLott shares his vision:
"We're going to build a stadium for every Premier League team- and join them all together, " DeLott eagerly told our staff whilst mouthing on a lolly. "They can share walls and tap secret messages to each other during games... it'll be so much fun."
"We can save Premier League teams a bundle by not making them have to build their own car-parking lots!!!!"
We didn't get to speak to DeLott for long as his mother had to take him home, bathnight, but our paper learnt enough to see the merits of the project.
Schematics reveal that Stanley Park is the destination for "Stadium-City"; to get around the lack of space for 20 stadia, Stadia will be stacked in a giant pyramidical structure to allow some sunlight to enter each stadium. The stadia at the top of the pyramid will naturally receive more sunlight, air, and have been temporarily dubbed the "Sky 4". Visitors will be asked to refrain from urinating on spectators in the stadia below theirs.
The shared parking lot has been expertly designed by John Terry and features lots of secluded nooks. A multi-stadia tannoy system developed by Hilda from Norway will allow tannoy messages to simultaneously be broardcast through the complex; allowing prank callers from one stadium to hear the fruits of their work from another. The toilets have been expertly designed with a sandbox so a theoretical manager can run in and bury his head in the sand after an embarrasing 4-1 loss against their rivals.
In the spirit of oneupmanship, Luna Constructors has contacted the Knosuj Place Times in regards to their mass- 20 stadium- conjoined-stadia project.
Luna C.'s chief architect Bill DeLott shares his vision:
"We're going to build a stadium for every Premier League team- and join them all together, " DeLott eagerly told our staff whilst mouthing on a lolly. "They can share walls and tap secret messages to each other during games... it'll be so much fun."
"We can save Premier League teams a bundle by not making them have to build their own car-parking lots!!!!"
We didn't get to speak to DeLott for long as his mother had to take him home, bathnight, but our paper learnt enough to see the merits of the project.
Schematics reveal that Stanley Park is the destination for "Stadium-City"; to get around the lack of space for 20 stadia, Stadia will be stacked in a giant pyramidical structure to allow some sunlight to enter each stadium. The stadia at the top of the pyramid will naturally receive more sunlight, air, and have been temporarily dubbed the "Sky 4". Visitors will be asked to refrain from urinating on spectators in the stadia below theirs.
The shared parking lot has been expertly designed by John Terry and features lots of secluded nooks. A multi-stadia tannoy system developed by Hilda from Norway will allow tannoy messages to simultaneously be broardcast through the complex; allowing prank callers from one stadium to hear the fruits of their work from another. The toilets have been expertly designed with a sandbox so a theoretical manager can run in and bury his head in the sand after an embarrasing 4-1 loss against their rivals.
KP Industries release new fireworks line
Originally Posted November 5th, 2008
KP Industries of Knosuj Place today are announcing a new set of fireworks will be available for next year's bonfire night.
Houllier Howler- label claims firework takes 5 years to explode but it never really ignites.
Ronaldo Rocket- instead of soaring into the air this firework falls to the ground and flails itself about.
Lampard Leaper- fun for the family, aim it at your friends and it will deflect 45 degrees to the nearest piece of netting.
Delap Destroyer- this is a firework you throw- but you have to take for granted that it actually explodes as it travels quite a distance.
Barton Boomer- this volatile firework has a habit of exploding in your face.
Rooney Rampage- label promises a blue firework but the sparks quickly turn to red after igniting.
Skrtel Scorcher- you don't mess with this firework or you'll get a lit match held under your bottom.
Wes-B Wheel- this orange firework moves a little slowly and tends to shoot in the wrong direction.
Tevez Thunder- not the most attractive firework. Often found in Carraghers pocket.
Hicks Howlitzer- this magic firework will put you in debt and cause stadium plans to go up in smoke.
Shevchenko Shooter- KP Industries most expensive firework produces little bang and is a faded version of previous models.
Mascherano Monster- When released at another firework will prevent that other firework from shining.
Rafa Revolver- accused of rotating in the sky as it travels- however in reality it rotates no more frequently than other top-fireworks.
Parry Popper- an ineffective firework that blows a lot of smoke and may prevent you from seeing the stars.
Barry Blazer- a reliable firework that needs to feel wanted. Good but is being sold for twice it's true value. This firework screams "sell me, sell me, sell me please!!!!!!" as it soars through the sky.
KP Industries of Knosuj Place today are announcing a new set of fireworks will be available for next year's bonfire night.
Houllier Howler- label claims firework takes 5 years to explode but it never really ignites.
Ronaldo Rocket- instead of soaring into the air this firework falls to the ground and flails itself about.
Lampard Leaper- fun for the family, aim it at your friends and it will deflect 45 degrees to the nearest piece of netting.
Delap Destroyer- this is a firework you throw- but you have to take for granted that it actually explodes as it travels quite a distance.
Barton Boomer- this volatile firework has a habit of exploding in your face.
Rooney Rampage- label promises a blue firework but the sparks quickly turn to red after igniting.
Skrtel Scorcher- you don't mess with this firework or you'll get a lit match held under your bottom.
Wes-B Wheel- this orange firework moves a little slowly and tends to shoot in the wrong direction.
Tevez Thunder- not the most attractive firework. Often found in Carraghers pocket.
Hicks Howlitzer- this magic firework will put you in debt and cause stadium plans to go up in smoke.
Shevchenko Shooter- KP Industries most expensive firework produces little bang and is a faded version of previous models.
Mascherano Monster- When released at another firework will prevent that other firework from shining.
Rafa Revolver- accused of rotating in the sky as it travels- however in reality it rotates no more frequently than other top-fireworks.
Parry Popper- an ineffective firework that blows a lot of smoke and may prevent you from seeing the stars.
Barry Blazer- a reliable firework that needs to feel wanted. Good but is being sold for twice it's true value. This firework screams "sell me, sell me, sell me please!!!!!!" as it soars through the sky.
Roy Hodgson's transfer Kitty rushed to the Vet
Originally Posted August 2nd 2010
According to the Knosuj Place Times, Roy Hodgson's transfer Kitty was rushed last night to a 24hour emergency vet.
"Fluffkins, was rushed there after falling off the settee and didn't land on his feet, " Roy told our reporters morosely.
Fluffkins, Hodgon's transfer kitty is acknowledged by most experts as possessing one of the greatest footballing brains in the animal kingdom. It was Fluffkins who suggested to Roy Hodgson earlier in the pre-season to sign Joe Cole on a bosman.
Fluffkins has been feeling weak for a long time now. Sources close to Hodgson suggest that Tom Hicks has been stealing Fluffkins' food- feeding his own insatiable appitite. Certainly photographs of Tom Hicks has shown his hair has become silkier in the last few months and he has been caught chasing his own tail on occasions.
Hodgson has been very weary of how slim his transfer kitty has become and doesn't want it to suffer the same fate as Rafa Benitez's transfer kitty, Goatee.
There may be relief for Fluffkins though. According to some Anfield insiders, Chinese investors headed by Kenneth Huang maybe looking to increase the size of Roy Hodgson's transfer Kitty.
"I've had my eye on Fluffkins for a while, " Huang told our reporters, "I would love to fatten him up as a favour for Roy."
According to the Knosuj Place Times, Roy Hodgson's transfer Kitty was rushed last night to a 24hour emergency vet.
"Fluffkins, was rushed there after falling off the settee and didn't land on his feet, " Roy told our reporters morosely.
Fluffkins, Hodgon's transfer kitty is acknowledged by most experts as possessing one of the greatest footballing brains in the animal kingdom. It was Fluffkins who suggested to Roy Hodgson earlier in the pre-season to sign Joe Cole on a bosman.
Fluffkins has been feeling weak for a long time now. Sources close to Hodgson suggest that Tom Hicks has been stealing Fluffkins' food- feeding his own insatiable appitite. Certainly photographs of Tom Hicks has shown his hair has become silkier in the last few months and he has been caught chasing his own tail on occasions.
Hodgson has been very weary of how slim his transfer kitty has become and doesn't want it to suffer the same fate as Rafa Benitez's transfer kitty, Goatee.
There may be relief for Fluffkins though. According to some Anfield insiders, Chinese investors headed by Kenneth Huang maybe looking to increase the size of Roy Hodgson's transfer Kitty.
"I've had my eye on Fluffkins for a while, " Huang told our reporters, "I would love to fatten him up as a favour for Roy."
Chelsea raid Roy Hodgson's Liverpool for youth talent
Originally published July 6th, 2010
According to the Knosuj Place Times, Liverpool Manager Roy Hodgson may have struck gold by selling a youngster from Liverpool for top-geld to his Chelsea rivals.
The £52 million offer shatters the previous British record.
Although relatively unknown, Frank Towers apparantly made admirers at Melwood, still the move came as a shock to him, as did the £150,000 per week deal.
Roy is being hailed a hero for the surprise sale; although he denies credit for the sale.
"All I did was call Mr. Abwamovich and said I have a nice young stwika named F. Towwes would he like to buy him? Wohman offad me £52mill on the spot without me having to haggle. I would have let him have him for 50 gwand."
Roy explained he was surprised by Roman's enthusiasm, Roman wanted to fly straight away to South Africa to meet his new player. Mr. Hodgson didn't have the heart to tell him he was at home in Liverpool.
If reports are to be believed another young acadamy player Stephen Gewwad of Kensington, may be off to Real Madrid this summer for an estimated £30million.
Hicks and Gillett are known to be very pleased with their new manager and the way he has sold some unknown acadamy players for huge sums of money. They've even offered to buy Melwood a few new practice footballs to replace the ones purchased in 2007.
According to the Knosuj Place Times, Liverpool Manager Roy Hodgson may have struck gold by selling a youngster from Liverpool for top-geld to his Chelsea rivals.
The £52 million offer shatters the previous British record.
Although relatively unknown, Frank Towers apparantly made admirers at Melwood, still the move came as a shock to him, as did the £150,000 per week deal.
Roy is being hailed a hero for the surprise sale; although he denies credit for the sale.
"All I did was call Mr. Abwamovich and said I have a nice young stwika named F. Towwes would he like to buy him? Wohman offad me £52mill on the spot without me having to haggle. I would have let him have him for 50 gwand."
Roy explained he was surprised by Roman's enthusiasm, Roman wanted to fly straight away to South Africa to meet his new player. Mr. Hodgson didn't have the heart to tell him he was at home in Liverpool.
If reports are to be believed another young acadamy player Stephen Gewwad of Kensington, may be off to Real Madrid this summer for an estimated £30million.
Hicks and Gillett are known to be very pleased with their new manager and the way he has sold some unknown acadamy players for huge sums of money. They've even offered to buy Melwood a few new practice footballs to replace the ones purchased in 2007.
Virgin F1 to receive unique power source
Originally Published May 3rd 2010
The Knosuj Place Times has learnt, Virgin F1 will be relying on a top-secret form of power in the upcoming Spanish GP.
"Unfortunately, with not being able to get the extended fuel tank ahead of the Spanish GP, we will have to rely on more traditional power," engineer Barny Ruebelle told a listening audience.
Although the source of power is remaining a secret, a man in an orange tunic named Fred was seen cutting a hole in the floor of the cockpit before our cameras were led away.
There is a lot of frustration at the start-up team over not being able to create a car to go-the-distance without running out of fuel. Tempers have been flaring; as our journalists were escorted away we distinctly heard one man screaming angrily at a woman named "Wilma".
The Knosuj Place Times has learnt, Virgin F1 will be relying on a top-secret form of power in the upcoming Spanish GP.
"Unfortunately, with not being able to get the extended fuel tank ahead of the Spanish GP, we will have to rely on more traditional power," engineer Barny Ruebelle told a listening audience.
Although the source of power is remaining a secret, a man in an orange tunic named Fred was seen cutting a hole in the floor of the cockpit before our cameras were led away.
There is a lot of frustration at the start-up team over not being able to create a car to go-the-distance without running out of fuel. Tempers have been flaring; as our journalists were escorted away we distinctly heard one man screaming angrily at a woman named "Wilma".
Igor Biscan to buy Liverpool Football Club
Originally Posted August 5th 2010
Igor Biscan shocked the footballing world today after being linked to a Croatian-Lithuanian consortium planning to buy Liverpool according to the Knosuj Place Times. Igor Biscan is ranked as one of the top ten richest former Liverpool players to hail from Croatia.
CIC, Croatian Investment Company, immediately distanced themselves from Mr. Biscan, saying despite recently selling $500(USD) worth of used fish tank equipment on eBay, the sale had nothing to do with raising funds for a takeover.
With CIC being excluded from the picture, experts wonder how Biscan can manage to fund the aquisition. However speculation is strong that Biscan is involved in business discussions; he was recently photographed in Zagreb with his hair combed.
After learning that Igor Biscan recently got into fisticuffs with a Taxi driver in Croatia, our reporters were unwilling to approach the former Balloon D'oor candidate to ask if he was really planning on buying the club.
Norweigan betting company BetSnow is not currently taking bets that Igor Biscan will be the next Liverpool chairman.
Igor Biscan shocked the footballing world today after being linked to a Croatian-Lithuanian consortium planning to buy Liverpool according to the Knosuj Place Times. Igor Biscan is ranked as one of the top ten richest former Liverpool players to hail from Croatia.
CIC, Croatian Investment Company, immediately distanced themselves from Mr. Biscan, saying despite recently selling $500(USD) worth of used fish tank equipment on eBay, the sale had nothing to do with raising funds for a takeover.
With CIC being excluded from the picture, experts wonder how Biscan can manage to fund the aquisition. However speculation is strong that Biscan is involved in business discussions; he was recently photographed in Zagreb with his hair combed.
After learning that Igor Biscan recently got into fisticuffs with a Taxi driver in Croatia, our reporters were unwilling to approach the former Balloon D'oor candidate to ask if he was really planning on buying the club.
Norweigan betting company BetSnow is not currently taking bets that Igor Biscan will be the next Liverpool chairman.
Liverpool Seek Anti-Aging Technology
Originally Published July 9th 2010
Knosuj Place University today admitted working alongside Liverpool Football Club to try and discover the secrets to preventing aging.
Nabil El Zhar, the up-and-coming youngster who has been 19 for the last four years, is thought to have anti-aging genes in his DNA.
"Many people think we signed El Zhar for his fantastic football ability, " Purslow claimed at a recent press conference, "but we're really more interested in his ability to resist aging. He's been in our youth program as a 19 year old for four years. Prior to that he was 18 for at least three decades. We're hoping by 2050 he'll be good enough to make the first team as a young recruit."
In the meantime, Liverpool are hoping gene-therapy can be used by extracting genes from El Zhar and giving them to Stephen Gerrard to prolong his playing career.
Unfortunately, it appears some of El Zhar's "ability to play football" was also transmitted to Gerrard's genome resulting in an off-year for the star midfielder.
Physicians are hoping to improve Gerrard's genome back to it's original glory and are currently extracting the "awesome" gene from Lucas Leiva to give to the Liverpool captain.
Knosuj Place University today admitted working alongside Liverpool Football Club to try and discover the secrets to preventing aging.
Nabil El Zhar, the up-and-coming youngster who has been 19 for the last four years, is thought to have anti-aging genes in his DNA.
"Many people think we signed El Zhar for his fantastic football ability, " Purslow claimed at a recent press conference, "but we're really more interested in his ability to resist aging. He's been in our youth program as a 19 year old for four years. Prior to that he was 18 for at least three decades. We're hoping by 2050 he'll be good enough to make the first team as a young recruit."
In the meantime, Liverpool are hoping gene-therapy can be used by extracting genes from El Zhar and giving them to Stephen Gerrard to prolong his playing career.
Unfortunately, it appears some of El Zhar's "ability to play football" was also transmitted to Gerrard's genome resulting in an off-year for the star midfielder.
Physicians are hoping to improve Gerrard's genome back to it's original glory and are currently extracting the "awesome" gene from Lucas Leiva to give to the Liverpool captain.
Greater Manchester boundaries to expand
Originally published July 2nd 2008
Self proclaimed footballing-capital of the world, Knosuj Place, is requesting administrative change. Located in the heart of Surrey, Knosuj Place is asking to be reassigned to Greater Manchester so residents can be closer to their favourite football team's stadium.
Knosuj Place propelled itself into footballs hall of fame after Derek Asamoah once decided to sleep in a B&B here. Man Utd legends, Wayne Rooney, and Louis Saha own the local pub, the "Ogre and Donkey".
The Ogre and Donkey is a favourite hang-out for old-widows, enticed by the tuesday night bingo, they often hang around for the cheap drinks and hopes of taking one of the owners home with them.
Wes Brown has strong childhood memories of Knosuj Place.
"My family would come here every summer. I spent many an afternoon swimming in the river just down stream of the orange dye factory."
The Neville brothers also have childhood memories of Knosuj Place.
"I earned my first £5 at the University here" Phil Neville told us, "our parents used to take us here for medical trials. People told them they were being irresponsible, but we turned out normal enough."
Ruud Van Nistleroy's mother was a frequent patron of the stables here. She loved to ride the large luscious stallions.
"We're Manchester through and through here, " one local resident told us, "we deserve to be in Greater Manchester. We're as Mancunian as the Albert Park."
Self proclaimed footballing-capital of the world, Knosuj Place, is requesting administrative change. Located in the heart of Surrey, Knosuj Place is asking to be reassigned to Greater Manchester so residents can be closer to their favourite football team's stadium.
Knosuj Place propelled itself into footballs hall of fame after Derek Asamoah once decided to sleep in a B&B here. Man Utd legends, Wayne Rooney, and Louis Saha own the local pub, the "Ogre and Donkey".
The Ogre and Donkey is a favourite hang-out for old-widows, enticed by the tuesday night bingo, they often hang around for the cheap drinks and hopes of taking one of the owners home with them.
Wes Brown has strong childhood memories of Knosuj Place.
"My family would come here every summer. I spent many an afternoon swimming in the river just down stream of the orange dye factory."
The Neville brothers also have childhood memories of Knosuj Place.
"I earned my first £5 at the University here" Phil Neville told us, "our parents used to take us here for medical trials. People told them they were being irresponsible, but we turned out normal enough."
Ruud Van Nistleroy's mother was a frequent patron of the stables here. She loved to ride the large luscious stallions.
"We're Manchester through and through here, " one local resident told us, "we deserve to be in Greater Manchester. We're as Mancunian as the Albert Park."
Knosuj Place Primary despaired by defeat.
Originally published 10 November 2008
The children at Knosuj Place Primary school had a mix of emotions this Monday morning, as school was let out early to watch the young primary school football team take on the Red Devils of Manchester United.
"We wanted a win to restore confidence after being battered by Celtic and Arsenal. We couldn't go to QPR on a losing streak. " manager Fergusson told our paper.
Sir Alex was later escorted off the property after refusing to abide by the school policy of no chewing gum allowed on school property.
Sir Alex wasn't the only person annoyed with the authorities at the school. Ronaldo was dismissed after 35 minutes for simulation. "It wasn't simulation, " declared Ronaldo, "those kids broke my legs 7 times during my 35 minutes on field. " Ronaldo left the school in a police car after being found winking inappropriately at children after the game. Bond is set at £500,000, or about half-a days wage for Ronaldo.
Still, it wasn't all bad news for United, they did win handsomely through a dozen goals from pretty-boy Carlos Tevez.
"It's a monster, " screamed the terrorised children whenever Tevez charged at them- opening up space in the school-team's defences.
Even Neville had a decent game winning about a third of the challenges made against him. The game started poorly after Wes Brown opened the scoring with an own-goal, but it quickly turned once United learnt that if they kicked the ball at the top of the net the keeper was too short to reach it.
Still, despite losing by 19 goals, the children of Knosuj Place Primary school will take from this experience a sense of wonder.
"We learnt about pumpkins for halloween but I'd never seen a real one before, " little Timmy remarked about United's defensive player Wes Brown.
"I learnt to accept people no matter how fat they are, " Roger Ledog declared, "Rooney showed me, you're never too big to play football."
United move on next to play QPR mid-week, but they will be without Berbatov who had been accidentally left behind, mistook for a sulking child.
The children at Knosuj Place Primary school had a mix of emotions this Monday morning, as school was let out early to watch the young primary school football team take on the Red Devils of Manchester United.
"We wanted a win to restore confidence after being battered by Celtic and Arsenal. We couldn't go to QPR on a losing streak. " manager Fergusson told our paper.
Sir Alex was later escorted off the property after refusing to abide by the school policy of no chewing gum allowed on school property.
Sir Alex wasn't the only person annoyed with the authorities at the school. Ronaldo was dismissed after 35 minutes for simulation. "It wasn't simulation, " declared Ronaldo, "those kids broke my legs 7 times during my 35 minutes on field. " Ronaldo left the school in a police car after being found winking inappropriately at children after the game. Bond is set at £500,000, or about half-a days wage for Ronaldo.
Still, it wasn't all bad news for United, they did win handsomely through a dozen goals from pretty-boy Carlos Tevez.
"It's a monster, " screamed the terrorised children whenever Tevez charged at them- opening up space in the school-team's defences.
Even Neville had a decent game winning about a third of the challenges made against him. The game started poorly after Wes Brown opened the scoring with an own-goal, but it quickly turned once United learnt that if they kicked the ball at the top of the net the keeper was too short to reach it.
Still, despite losing by 19 goals, the children of Knosuj Place Primary school will take from this experience a sense of wonder.
"We learnt about pumpkins for halloween but I'd never seen a real one before, " little Timmy remarked about United's defensive player Wes Brown.
"I learnt to accept people no matter how fat they are, " Roger Ledog declared, "Rooney showed me, you're never too big to play football."
United move on next to play QPR mid-week, but they will be without Berbatov who had been accidentally left behind, mistook for a sulking child.
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