Merseyside police made an early morning visit to Melwood this morning after an unidentified white-liquid was found in a bottle.
"I was quite concewned when I found this bottle on our dawstep" Roy Hodgeson told our journalists, "In Sweden we had a saying, if it's white, liquid, and in a bottle, a Moose has stuck his winkel in yaw vodka."
Roy Hodgeson called around several friends working at Accrington Stanley but none of them could identify the white liquid, "It's a very odd substance, nothing we would drink," one Accrington Stanley player told us.
Police are unsure what could have prompted this impolite gesture towards Mr. Hodgeson "I'm a weally nice guy" he told our staff, "and the fans have no weason to complain- we play weally gweat football. We were fantastic against Eve...Eve...the toffees."
Still, police do have a suspect in this bizarre case of obscenity; John, Rafael Benitez's former milkman, has been taken in for questioning regarding the event.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Liverpool sale heads to Sulawesi district court
Tom Hicks, feeling his grasp on Liverpool slipping further, has decided to pursue his ownership through the district court of Sulawesi in Indonesia.
Our legal representative in Indonesia, Kani Bal, insists that this is likely to be Hicks' final chance at appeal. Sulawesi is one of the few islands in Indonesia where trial-by-combat is still widely practiced and accepted.
"I'm not overly concerned to be honest, " Mr. Broughton announced, descending from the skies using a parachute, entering through our office's open window. "They train you how to survive in the Sulawesi pit-of-death as part of standard training. It's all part of being in her Majesties royal bank of Scotland's service."
Mr. Broughton didn't remain with us long enough to elaborate. Other duties beckoned the agent of RBS and he leapt out of the 7th floor window to land on a moving motorbike below.
Hicks' empire is just a spectre of what it once was. These days he spends most of his time in board rooms stroking his small white cat, George, reminising on days of evil.
Our legal representative in Indonesia, Kani Bal, insists that this is likely to be Hicks' final chance at appeal. Sulawesi is one of the few islands in Indonesia where trial-by-combat is still widely practiced and accepted.
"I'm not overly concerned to be honest, " Mr. Broughton announced, descending from the skies using a parachute, entering through our office's open window. "They train you how to survive in the Sulawesi pit-of-death as part of standard training. It's all part of being in her Majesties royal bank of Scotland's service."
Mr. Broughton didn't remain with us long enough to elaborate. Other duties beckoned the agent of RBS and he leapt out of the 7th floor window to land on a moving motorbike below.
Hicks' empire is just a spectre of what it once was. These days he spends most of his time in board rooms stroking his small white cat, George, reminising on days of evil.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
On-High Court Ruling rules in favour of Satan
The on-high courts this morning confirmed that the sale of Tom Hicks' soul to Satan will commence after God tried to block the sale, claiming Hicks' guardian angels were not acting in the soul-holder's best interest by selling to Satan.
Hicks' soul had racked up a large amount of social-debt after a leveraged buy-out from God three years previously. God purchased Hicks' soul with the future promise of good-deeds, borrowing karma-points from the Karma Bank of Soulland to fund the aquisition.
KBS had previously extended the loan of Karma points but was getting concerned with the continual sin and vices of Tom Hicks. Mr. Hicks has racked up a deeper and deeper Karma debt many see as insurmountable. God, had unsuccessfully tried to extend the loan through other sources, such as nirvanna and cosmic meditation; he was dogged by an e-mail campaign led by the spirit of Shankly; the holy ghost of Shankly has been one of the most vocal and militant forces trying to prevent mischief as a result of Hicks' soul.
Satan is perhaps best to Texans for his recent ownership of George W. Bush's soul; turning him from an incompetant back-woods Daddy's boy into a world-class fool.
Hicks' soul had racked up a large amount of social-debt after a leveraged buy-out from God three years previously. God purchased Hicks' soul with the future promise of good-deeds, borrowing karma-points from the Karma Bank of Soulland to fund the aquisition.
KBS had previously extended the loan of Karma points but was getting concerned with the continual sin and vices of Tom Hicks. Mr. Hicks has racked up a deeper and deeper Karma debt many see as insurmountable. God, had unsuccessfully tried to extend the loan through other sources, such as nirvanna and cosmic meditation; he was dogged by an e-mail campaign led by the spirit of Shankly; the holy ghost of Shankly has been one of the most vocal and militant forces trying to prevent mischief as a result of Hicks' soul.
Satan is perhaps best to Texans for his recent ownership of George W. Bush's soul; turning him from an incompetant back-woods Daddy's boy into a world-class fool.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Harry Kewell to enter Good-Luck charm business.
Harry Kewell announced to the press this morning that his "Good-Luck-Charm" business is going public.
We met him in his office in Sydney, a dimly lit building with a surprising number of blood stains on the floor and dents in the wall.
"I've always been a believer in luck. " Harry told us, " I first starting making my good luck charms when I arrived at Anfield. It's kept me out of serious harms way. "
Mr. Kewell has used his footballing connections to test-market his product on a number of celebrities. "Fabio Aurelio was one of my first clients, " he bragged with a boyish grin, "he swears by our good luck charms. I gave Fernando Torres a charm each at the beginning of the 2009/2010 season. (Hoping that little extra luck would take them from 2nd to 1st.) Instead, Torres won the world cup so my charm must be working for him. "
Roy Hodgeson, another recent test subject has yet to see the charm provide him any benefits but the jubilant Mr. Kewell is optimistic he will. "Sometimes it takes a little while for the charm to kick in. Take Istanbull 2005. I was injured, but the moment my team won the trophy I was miraculously able to run on field and celebrate with them."
Unfortunately, we were forced to prematurely conclude the interview as Harry Kewell amputated his thumb from a paper cut whilst showing us his monthly sales forecast.
Perhaps thanks to his lucky charm, doctors think he may regain use of his thumb given time; and the injuries inflicted when his ambulance crashed en-route to the emergency room look relatively minor.
We met him in his office in Sydney, a dimly lit building with a surprising number of blood stains on the floor and dents in the wall.
"I've always been a believer in luck. " Harry told us, " I first starting making my good luck charms when I arrived at Anfield. It's kept me out of serious harms way. "
Mr. Kewell has used his footballing connections to test-market his product on a number of celebrities. "Fabio Aurelio was one of my first clients, " he bragged with a boyish grin, "he swears by our good luck charms. I gave Fernando Torres a charm each at the beginning of the 2009/2010 season. (Hoping that little extra luck would take them from 2nd to 1st.) Instead, Torres won the world cup so my charm must be working for him. "
Roy Hodgeson, another recent test subject has yet to see the charm provide him any benefits but the jubilant Mr. Kewell is optimistic he will. "Sometimes it takes a little while for the charm to kick in. Take Istanbull 2005. I was injured, but the moment my team won the trophy I was miraculously able to run on field and celebrate with them."
Unfortunately, we were forced to prematurely conclude the interview as Harry Kewell amputated his thumb from a paper cut whilst showing us his monthly sales forecast.
Perhaps thanks to his lucky charm, doctors think he may regain use of his thumb given time; and the injuries inflicted when his ambulance crashed en-route to the emergency room look relatively minor.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Arsenal Forced To Release Arshavin
Arsenal fans this morning are dismayed to hear they may be losing Arshavin due to legal difficulties. Newcastle claim full legal ownership of Arshavin due to copyright laws.
In the late 1990's, Newcastle United geneticist, Jeanne Splicing, began a series of genetic tests, ultimately combining the DNA of Alan Shearer and Nicky Butt. Arshavin, the product of a Butt-Shearer genetic manipulation, was put into an advanced growth chamber to fast-forward his development. The prodigy was lost, after Mr. Splicing refused to ask for directions to Tesco and the couple ended up in Russia.
According to British law, Newcastle are thus legal owners of Arshavin.
Newcastle are also currently pursuing ownership rights to the tune "silent night" after it was revealed the tune was co-written by Leon Best and Andy Carroll. The Best-Carroll tune is also thought to be Newcastle intellectual property; if such a thing exists.
In the late 1990's, Newcastle United geneticist, Jeanne Splicing, began a series of genetic tests, ultimately combining the DNA of Alan Shearer and Nicky Butt. Arshavin, the product of a Butt-Shearer genetic manipulation, was put into an advanced growth chamber to fast-forward his development. The prodigy was lost, after Mr. Splicing refused to ask for directions to Tesco and the couple ended up in Russia.
According to British law, Newcastle are thus legal owners of Arshavin.
Newcastle are also currently pursuing ownership rights to the tune "silent night" after it was revealed the tune was co-written by Leon Best and Andy Carroll. The Best-Carroll tune is also thought to be Newcastle intellectual property; if such a thing exists.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Passive Drinking
Originally Posted sometime in 2008
Researchers at Knosuj Place University have discovered alcohol can be absorbed into the blood stream, not only by the drinker, but by innocent parties in close proximity. This effect is called "Passive Drinking" and should not be confused with "second-hand drinking," an event associated with Max Mosely dungeon-parties.
Scottish Whisky is reportedly the worst alcohol for being passed on in passive drinking Vigorous gum chewing increases the risk for causing spectators to get passive drinking symptons. Dizzyness and inability to stand on ones feet, throwing oneself to the ground and writing in agony are amongst the more common symptoms of a passive drinker.
Others symptoms include irratability, visual cues such as placing ones hands on ones hips and pouting may be displayed. People suffering from Passive Drinking may show behavioural problems such as refusing to bathe, the desire to rub marmite through ones hair- resulting in an excessively greasy look; greed, inflated-ego and inability to take penalty kicks well are other potential symptoms.
There is good news though. Researchers don't understand why, but eating Spanish foods can help reverse or stop the effects from Passive Drinking. It is recommended that anyone afflicted with this condition move to Spain immediately, preferably Madrid.
Researchers cite that moving to Spain may not cure physical disfigurements from Passive Drinking. If you look like a horse, chances are you'll still look like a horse after moving to Spain.
Researchers at Knosuj Place University have discovered alcohol can be absorbed into the blood stream, not only by the drinker, but by innocent parties in close proximity. This effect is called "Passive Drinking" and should not be confused with "second-hand drinking," an event associated with Max Mosely dungeon-parties.
Scottish Whisky is reportedly the worst alcohol for being passed on in passive drinking Vigorous gum chewing increases the risk for causing spectators to get passive drinking symptons. Dizzyness and inability to stand on ones feet, throwing oneself to the ground and writing in agony are amongst the more common symptoms of a passive drinker.
Others symptoms include irratability, visual cues such as placing ones hands on ones hips and pouting may be displayed. People suffering from Passive Drinking may show behavioural problems such as refusing to bathe, the desire to rub marmite through ones hair- resulting in an excessively greasy look; greed, inflated-ego and inability to take penalty kicks well are other potential symptoms.
There is good news though. Researchers don't understand why, but eating Spanish foods can help reverse or stop the effects from Passive Drinking. It is recommended that anyone afflicted with this condition move to Spain immediately, preferably Madrid.
Researchers cite that moving to Spain may not cure physical disfigurements from Passive Drinking. If you look like a horse, chances are you'll still look like a horse after moving to Spain.
Everton in new Ground-Share link
Originally Posted sometime in 2008
Liverpool council have announced they have given Liverpool Football Club approval to start thinking about one day starting work on the stadium.
"This gives us options for sure" Rafa announced when asked about his opinion on the topic.
The new vote of confidence from the council improves the prior council approval back in February. Under the early approval Liverpool had been approved, to request approval, to think about one day getting approval to build a new stadium.
Back in February when Rafa was greeted with this news he publicly announced "This gives us options for sure."
Along with the approval is pre-approval for Liverpool Football Club to have a 999 year lease on the land in Stanley Park. Gary Speed's retirement is expected to coincide with when the lease expires.
Plans for a ground-share with Everton are continued to be denied. Early plans had considered giving each club a trophy room on either side of the field; however, surveyours rubbished these plans as they said the field would start to slope towards the Liverpool end due to extra weight.
Everton had countered suggesting a life-size/weight statute of former Everton striker, Wayne Rooney, being placed in the Everton trophy room to balance the weight distribution.
We asked Everton manager David Moyes his opinion and he commented "this gives us options for sure".
Later we discovered that we had been duped into a fake interview with Moyes by Rafa Benitez in a halloween mask and a wig made of ginger fibres.
Liverpool council have announced they have given Liverpool Football Club approval to start thinking about one day starting work on the stadium.
"This gives us options for sure" Rafa announced when asked about his opinion on the topic.
The new vote of confidence from the council improves the prior council approval back in February. Under the early approval Liverpool had been approved, to request approval, to think about one day getting approval to build a new stadium.
Back in February when Rafa was greeted with this news he publicly announced "This gives us options for sure."
Along with the approval is pre-approval for Liverpool Football Club to have a 999 year lease on the land in Stanley Park. Gary Speed's retirement is expected to coincide with when the lease expires.
Plans for a ground-share with Everton are continued to be denied. Early plans had considered giving each club a trophy room on either side of the field; however, surveyours rubbished these plans as they said the field would start to slope towards the Liverpool end due to extra weight.
Everton had countered suggesting a life-size/weight statute of former Everton striker, Wayne Rooney, being placed in the Everton trophy room to balance the weight distribution.
We asked Everton manager David Moyes his opinion and he commented "this gives us options for sure".
Later we discovered that we had been duped into a fake interview with Moyes by Rafa Benitez in a halloween mask and a wig made of ginger fibres.
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