Merseyside police made an early morning visit to Melwood this morning after an unidentified white-liquid was found in a bottle.
"I was quite concewned when I found this bottle on our dawstep" Roy Hodgeson told our journalists, "In Sweden we had a saying, if it's white, liquid, and in a bottle, a Moose has stuck his winkel in yaw vodka."
Roy Hodgeson called around several friends working at Accrington Stanley but none of them could identify the white liquid, "It's a very odd substance, nothing we would drink," one Accrington Stanley player told us.
Police are unsure what could have prompted this impolite gesture towards Mr. Hodgeson "I'm a weally nice guy" he told our staff, "and the fans have no weason to complain- we play weally gweat football. We were fantastic against Eve...Eve...the toffees."
Still, police do have a suspect in this bizarre case of obscenity; John, Rafael Benitez's former milkman, has been taken in for questioning regarding the event.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Liverpool sale heads to Sulawesi district court
Tom Hicks, feeling his grasp on Liverpool slipping further, has decided to pursue his ownership through the district court of Sulawesi in Indonesia.
Our legal representative in Indonesia, Kani Bal, insists that this is likely to be Hicks' final chance at appeal. Sulawesi is one of the few islands in Indonesia where trial-by-combat is still widely practiced and accepted.
"I'm not overly concerned to be honest, " Mr. Broughton announced, descending from the skies using a parachute, entering through our office's open window. "They train you how to survive in the Sulawesi pit-of-death as part of standard training. It's all part of being in her Majesties royal bank of Scotland's service."
Mr. Broughton didn't remain with us long enough to elaborate. Other duties beckoned the agent of RBS and he leapt out of the 7th floor window to land on a moving motorbike below.
Hicks' empire is just a spectre of what it once was. These days he spends most of his time in board rooms stroking his small white cat, George, reminising on days of evil.
Our legal representative in Indonesia, Kani Bal, insists that this is likely to be Hicks' final chance at appeal. Sulawesi is one of the few islands in Indonesia where trial-by-combat is still widely practiced and accepted.
"I'm not overly concerned to be honest, " Mr. Broughton announced, descending from the skies using a parachute, entering through our office's open window. "They train you how to survive in the Sulawesi pit-of-death as part of standard training. It's all part of being in her Majesties royal bank of Scotland's service."
Mr. Broughton didn't remain with us long enough to elaborate. Other duties beckoned the agent of RBS and he leapt out of the 7th floor window to land on a moving motorbike below.
Hicks' empire is just a spectre of what it once was. These days he spends most of his time in board rooms stroking his small white cat, George, reminising on days of evil.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
On-High Court Ruling rules in favour of Satan
The on-high courts this morning confirmed that the sale of Tom Hicks' soul to Satan will commence after God tried to block the sale, claiming Hicks' guardian angels were not acting in the soul-holder's best interest by selling to Satan.
Hicks' soul had racked up a large amount of social-debt after a leveraged buy-out from God three years previously. God purchased Hicks' soul with the future promise of good-deeds, borrowing karma-points from the Karma Bank of Soulland to fund the aquisition.
KBS had previously extended the loan of Karma points but was getting concerned with the continual sin and vices of Tom Hicks. Mr. Hicks has racked up a deeper and deeper Karma debt many see as insurmountable. God, had unsuccessfully tried to extend the loan through other sources, such as nirvanna and cosmic meditation; he was dogged by an e-mail campaign led by the spirit of Shankly; the holy ghost of Shankly has been one of the most vocal and militant forces trying to prevent mischief as a result of Hicks' soul.
Satan is perhaps best to Texans for his recent ownership of George W. Bush's soul; turning him from an incompetant back-woods Daddy's boy into a world-class fool.
Hicks' soul had racked up a large amount of social-debt after a leveraged buy-out from God three years previously. God purchased Hicks' soul with the future promise of good-deeds, borrowing karma-points from the Karma Bank of Soulland to fund the aquisition.
KBS had previously extended the loan of Karma points but was getting concerned with the continual sin and vices of Tom Hicks. Mr. Hicks has racked up a deeper and deeper Karma debt many see as insurmountable. God, had unsuccessfully tried to extend the loan through other sources, such as nirvanna and cosmic meditation; he was dogged by an e-mail campaign led by the spirit of Shankly; the holy ghost of Shankly has been one of the most vocal and militant forces trying to prevent mischief as a result of Hicks' soul.
Satan is perhaps best to Texans for his recent ownership of George W. Bush's soul; turning him from an incompetant back-woods Daddy's boy into a world-class fool.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Harry Kewell to enter Good-Luck charm business.
Harry Kewell announced to the press this morning that his "Good-Luck-Charm" business is going public.
We met him in his office in Sydney, a dimly lit building with a surprising number of blood stains on the floor and dents in the wall.
"I've always been a believer in luck. " Harry told us, " I first starting making my good luck charms when I arrived at Anfield. It's kept me out of serious harms way. "
Mr. Kewell has used his footballing connections to test-market his product on a number of celebrities. "Fabio Aurelio was one of my first clients, " he bragged with a boyish grin, "he swears by our good luck charms. I gave Fernando Torres a charm each at the beginning of the 2009/2010 season. (Hoping that little extra luck would take them from 2nd to 1st.) Instead, Torres won the world cup so my charm must be working for him. "
Roy Hodgeson, another recent test subject has yet to see the charm provide him any benefits but the jubilant Mr. Kewell is optimistic he will. "Sometimes it takes a little while for the charm to kick in. Take Istanbull 2005. I was injured, but the moment my team won the trophy I was miraculously able to run on field and celebrate with them."
Unfortunately, we were forced to prematurely conclude the interview as Harry Kewell amputated his thumb from a paper cut whilst showing us his monthly sales forecast.
Perhaps thanks to his lucky charm, doctors think he may regain use of his thumb given time; and the injuries inflicted when his ambulance crashed en-route to the emergency room look relatively minor.
We met him in his office in Sydney, a dimly lit building with a surprising number of blood stains on the floor and dents in the wall.
"I've always been a believer in luck. " Harry told us, " I first starting making my good luck charms when I arrived at Anfield. It's kept me out of serious harms way. "
Mr. Kewell has used his footballing connections to test-market his product on a number of celebrities. "Fabio Aurelio was one of my first clients, " he bragged with a boyish grin, "he swears by our good luck charms. I gave Fernando Torres a charm each at the beginning of the 2009/2010 season. (Hoping that little extra luck would take them from 2nd to 1st.) Instead, Torres won the world cup so my charm must be working for him. "
Roy Hodgeson, another recent test subject has yet to see the charm provide him any benefits but the jubilant Mr. Kewell is optimistic he will. "Sometimes it takes a little while for the charm to kick in. Take Istanbull 2005. I was injured, but the moment my team won the trophy I was miraculously able to run on field and celebrate with them."
Unfortunately, we were forced to prematurely conclude the interview as Harry Kewell amputated his thumb from a paper cut whilst showing us his monthly sales forecast.
Perhaps thanks to his lucky charm, doctors think he may regain use of his thumb given time; and the injuries inflicted when his ambulance crashed en-route to the emergency room look relatively minor.
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